Breaking the Cycles: Healing Ourselves to Heal Our Children
Healing Generations: Releasing the Idealized Child to Parent the Child in Front of Us
Objective:
To guide parents through the inner work of healing from colonial legacies, breaking generational cycles of oppression in parenting, and replacing hierarchical, control-based systems with empathetic, liberation-centered approaches. This article will explore the importance of decolonizing our internal beliefs as parents to create liberated environments where our children can thrive emotionally, spiritually, and socially.
Colonialism’s Legacy in Our Parenting
For generations, colonialism has shaped the ways families operate. The systems of control, power dynamics, and hierarchies that colonization enforced trickled down into our homes. As parents, we’ve internalized these frameworks, often perpetuating them unknowingly.
This is where our work begins: unlearning and healing from the colonial mindsets we inherited. Only then can we fully step into decolonized parenting practices that are rooted in empathy, mutual respect, and liberation.
Parenting the Child in Front of You, Not the Idealized Child
Decolonizing your parenting practice doesn’t always lead to immediate or visible results. In fact, one of the most profound shifts in this journey is releasing the expectation of quick results. This approach isn’t about molding the “perfect” child—it’s about liberating the child in front of you.
In traditional, colonial parenting models, much emphasis is placed on creating an “idealized child”—one who fits neatly into societal expectations, follows the rules without question, and meets adult needs for control and validation. This idealized version of a child is a product of supremacy culture, which teaches us to value outcomes and obedience over the messy, beautiful process of growth and becoming.
When you parent through a decolonized lens, you are invited to release that idealization. You learn to parent the child in front of you, as they are, not as you’ve been taught they “should be.” This shift requires patience, empathy, and deep trust in the process. Your child may not become more compliant overnight, and they may continue to challenge you in ways that feel difficult. But the true transformation is generational.
This way of parenting yields results that are not always visible in the immediate moment, but they are felt across generations. Each time you choose empathy over punishment, connection over control, or curiosity over judgment, you are planting the seeds for a future where your child, and the generations that follow, are free from the constraints of colonial legacies.
Reparenting Yourself Alongside Your Child
As you commit to decolonized parenting, something remarkable happens: you begin to reparent yourself in the process. This is not just about nurturing your child’s emotional and mental well-being—it’s also about nurturing your own.
When you step away from parenting through control and expectations, you give yourself permission to heal the wounds you carry from your own childhood. You may notice that the moments when you are most frustrated with your child are the very moments that touch the parts of yourself that were once wounded, controlled, or silenced as a child.
By reparenting yourself alongside your child, you begin to heal those wounds in real time. Instead of projecting your unmet needs, fears, or anxieties onto your child, you learn to recognize them, tend to them, and release them. This parallel process of healing not only benefits you but also creates a deeper, more authentic connection with your child.
As you reparent yourself, you model for your child what it means to heal, to grow, and to be fully human. You are no longer trying to live vicariously through them or molding them to fit a societal ideal—you are parenting from a place of wholeness and liberation.
Actionable Steps for Healing Ourselves and Our Parenting
Recognize the Patterns:
Take time to identify where colonial legacies show up in your parenting. Ask yourself: How do I approach discipline and authority? How much of that is rooted in control, and how much in understanding and connection?
Pillar Dismantled: Power Hoarding and Fear of Open Conflict. By recognizing these patterns, you are challenging the notion that power and control must be maintained at all costs.
Interrupt the Cycle:
When you feel the urge to use control-based responses, pause. Replace discipline rooted in punishment with one rooted in empathy and emotional awareness. For example: instead of reacting to your child’s emotional outburst with anger or punishment, ask them, "How are you feeling? What do you need right now?"
Pillar Dismantled: Paternalism and Individualism. This step shifts us away from a "top-down" approach to one that centers on collaborative problem-solving and community care.
Embrace Vulnerability and Transparency:
Show your children that it’s okay to not have all the answers. Be open about your own healing process, and allow them to see you making changes. This models self-awareness and humility in parenting, encouraging them to grow with you.
Pillar Dismantled: Perfectionism and Right to Comfort. Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable dismantles the perfectionism ingrained by colonial narratives and shows our children that healing is an ongoing process.
Commit to Self-Reflection:
Regularly ask yourself: "In what ways have I internalized colonial narratives about parenting, and how can I shift those beliefs?" Journaling or having regular check-ins with a supportive community can help.
Pillar Dismantled: Objectivity and Progress is Bigger, More. These reflections challenge the idea that there’s one "right" way to parent, encouraging fluidity and growth over rigid outcomes.
Healing Ourselves to Heal Our Children
As we heal from the impacts of colonialism, we pave the way for our children to grow in environments that celebrate their full humanity. Our liberation from colonial legacies is directly connected to theirs. When we commit to decolonizing our internalized beliefs and doing the work of healing, we give our children permission to thrive, free from the oppression that has shaped generations before them.
Let’s start by understanding that our children deserve liberation just as much as we do. Together, we can break the cycles of control, dominance, and fear—and replace them with connection, care, and mutual respect.
Invitation to Take Action
If this resonates with you and you’re ready to dive deeper into decolonized parenting, I invite you to take the next step:
💥 Become a Paid Subscriber to my Liberation Education Newsletter for exclusive content that goes beyond the surface and offers you the tools to start healing from colonial legacies in your parenting and beyond.
🌱 Join the Parenting for Liberation Cohort, a transformative group experience where we’ll dive deeper into these practices together. In this cohort, you’ll:
Engage in reflective journaling exercises.
Participate in live discussions and somatic practices designed to support you through this healing journey.
Receive direct guidance on how to implement decolonized parenting strategies in your daily life.
In solidarity and healing,