Reclaiming Family: Creating Liberation Through Community
How Decentering the Nuclear Family Restores Interconnectedness and Fosters Collective Healing
Objective:
To guide families in dismantling the structures of the nuclear family that emphasize isolation and control, and to help them reconnect with communal family practices that foster healing, interconnectedness, and liberation. By shifting away from individualism, parents and children alike can benefit from shared responsibilities and deeper connections, creating an environment where collective growth and emotional freedom thrive.
Introduction
When I think about family, I don’t just think about the people who live under one roof. I think about the web of relationships that stretch beyond the walls of a single home—the connections between grandparents, neighbors, chosen family, and friends. But over time, the nuclear family has replaced this communal model with a structure focused on isolation, control, and rugged individualism.
The nuclear family, as it’s often seen today, was never the traditional model for many communities. For generations, families were interconnected, extended through villages, communities, and networks of care. Everyone played a role in raising the children, sharing resources, and ensuring the collective well-being of the group. It wasn’t about power over, but power with—a communal effort.
When we reflect on how the nuclear family has separated us from this web, we can begin to understand why so many of us feel overwhelmed, unsupported, and disconnected. The pressures of maintaining this closed unit fall disproportionately on parents, often mothers, and it leaves children without a broader sense of community.
But decentering the nuclear family—reclaiming a communal structure—creates space for collective healing and reconnects us to the ways our ancestors parented before colonization.
A Communal Family vs. the Individualistic Nuclear Family
When we center the nuclear family, we’re buying into the myth of rugged individualism—the idea that a single family unit should be self-sufficient, managing everything on their own without asking for help. This idea is deeply tied to supremacy culture, which tells us that success and strength come from standing alone. It teaches parents that their role is to control, to dominate, and to “get it right” at all costs, even when they’re struggling.
But what happens when we take the nuclear family off its pedestal and recognize that no one family should have to carry the burden of raising children, meeting every need, and creating a safe and liberating home, all by themselves?
By decentering the nuclear family, we make room for a more communal approach. In a communal family, each person, young or old, has a role to play. There’s shared responsibility. No one is forced to carry the weight alone. This means the children feel supported not just by their parents but by a wider circle of care—extended family, neighbors, and even friends who take on roles of aunties, uncles, or mentors.
Example:
In my own journey as a mother, I’ve seen how the nuclear family’s pressures can feel isolating. When I had my youngest child, I was stretched thin—torn between meeting the needs of my newborn, my other children, and the demands of the world around me. The weight of those expectations was heavy. But what helped me was realizing that I didn’t have to do it all alone. I began to rely more on the community I had built, letting trusted friends and family share the load, giving my children the richness of learning from many people. It wasn’t just on me—it became a shared effort, a practice of communal care.
This is what we lose when we cling to the nuclear family structure—this interconnectedness, this village that supports the collective well-being.
Healing Through Family Rituals
At the heart of communal family structures are rituals and practices that bring balance and healing. These rituals are what connect us to one another and allow us to tap into the interconnectedness that the nuclear family often cuts off. In a communal structure, it’s not just about the efficiency of getting through the day or sticking to a strict routine—it’s about finding moments to connect, heal, and thrive together.
Family Ritual Example:
In our home, we’ve established a simple but profound ritual: Daily check-ins. Every day after school, we gather somewhere in the house, and we each share one thing we felt or experienced during the day. It’s a moment to pause, to reflect, and to really see each other. It’s not about what we accomplished or what needs to be done tomorrow—it’s about how we’re feeling and what we’re carrying. These moments help us reconnect with ourselves and with each other, even when the world outside feels chaotic. This can be as simple as a 5-minute check-in, no formalities, no pressure: just tell me one thing that you enjoyed about your day and one thing you disliked. The conversation can build from there or it can end with an answer. You can find the rhythm that suits you best. Be sure that you as the parent/adult/caregiver ALSO share as it is the pathway for our younger community members to also see us as whole humans.
This kind of ritual brings healing because it reminds us that we don’t have to carry everything alone. It’s a practice of interconnectedness that breaks free from the isolation of the nuclear family.
Dismantling the Pillars of Supremacy Culture in the Home
When we start to rebuild a communal family structure, we also begin dismantling the pillars of supremacy culture that show up in the way we parent and interact with one another. Two pillars that often shape our family dynamics are “Worship of the Written Word” and “Right to Comfort.”
Worship of the Written Word: In many nuclear families, there’s an over-reliance on written communication—whether it’s schedules, rules, or academic achievements. Supremacy culture tells us that writing things down makes them real, and that structure means control. But in communal family structures, we place value on oral traditions, emotional expression, and intuitive connection.
Practice for Dismantling:
In our family, we’ve shifted away from relying solely on written schedules and strict rules. Instead, we’ve leaned into storytelling and verbal communication. On certain evenings, instead of going over schoolwork (we do not do homework) or weekly plans, we share stories—whether they’re from our culture, our day, or our imaginations. It’s a simple but powerful way to connect without needing everything to be written and formalized.Right to Comfort: The idea that we should always avoid discomfort is another key pillar of supremacy culture. In the nuclear family, this shows up when we avoid difficult conversations or sweep emotional challenges under the rug to maintain the illusion of peace. But real healing requires sitting with discomfort and addressing it head-on.
Practice for Dismantling:
In our home, we’ve started to embrace the uncomfortable. When emotions run high—whether it’s a child expressing frustration or a parent feeling overwhelmed—we don’t shy away from those moments. Instead, we acknowledge that discomfort is part of the process. We talk about what we’re feeling, and we work through it together. We will simply say “Ok, let’s reset.” This signifies that someone is withdrawing consent from the conversation/disagreement and we would like to begin again. This also teaches that consent is in all things not just sex, and that enthusiastic consent is truly the key to all enjoyable activities. Holding space for discomfort has brought us closer and allowed us to foster a deeper, more authentic connection.
Tools for Transformation
If you’re ready to start decentering the nuclear family and nurturing a communal, interconnected family structure, here are some practical ways to begin:
Create Daily or Weekly Family Check-ins: Make space for each family member to express how they’re feeling or what they’re experiencing. This simple ritual fosters connection and allows each person to feel seen and heard.
Lean into Oral Traditions and Storytelling: Incorporate storytelling into your family life as a way to pass down knowledge, share experiences, and build emotional connections. It’s a practice that breaks the reliance on written words and celebrates emotional expression.
Welcome Discomfort and Difficult Conversations: Don’t avoid discomfort—lean into it. When emotions are high or challenges arise, allow space for these feelings to be processed. It’s in these moments that real healing happens.
Expand Your Circle: Recognize that your family extends beyond your immediate household. Build relationships with extended family, friends, and community members who can share the load and offer support.
Conclusion: Reclaiming the Communal Family for Liberation
The nuclear family isn’t the only way—and for many of us, it’s not the way forward. By decentering the nuclear family and building a communal structure, we reconnect to the interconnectedness that’s been lost. We begin to dismantle the individualism that has kept us isolated, overwhelmed, and disconnected.
Your family can be a space of liberation, healing, and collective growth. It’s time to reclaim our roots and raise our children in community.
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in solidarity and liberation,
Desireé B Stephens