Bearing Witness: The Imperfect Journey of Decolonizing Parenting
Navigating the Imperfections of Parenting: A Journey of Accountability, Healing, and Liberation
Objective: To validate the experiences of parents who are working to decolonize their parenting but may still fall into traditional habits. The article emphasizes that decolonization is an ongoing process of unlearning, and that mistakes are inevitable. It provides guidance on how to take accountability, repair relationships with children, and collaborate on solutions, while dismantling the pillars of supremacy culture that prioritize control, perfectionism, and power hoarding
Introduction:
Parenting isn’t a straight path—it’s a winding journey full of mistakes, growth, and, most importantly, learning. When we commit to decolonizing our parenting, we’re not committing to perfection. In fact, unlearning colonial ways of parenting means that you will, at times, fall back into old habits. That’s because decolonization is a process of unlearning, releasing, and reprogramming. It’s challenging work, but it’s also a path to deep, authentic connection with your child and yourself.
You’re Not a Bad Parent—You’re Doing the Work
Let’s acknowledge something right now: falling into traditional, colonial ways of parenting doesn’t make you a bad parent. You are not failing. What matters is what happens when you slip into those old patterns—what you do after. Do you reflect, apologize, and seek ways to repair? Do you acknowledge the mistake, take accountability, and find a collaborative path forward? This is where growth and healing take place.
Decolonizing our parenting is about releasing the old programming we’ve internalized. But this isn’t an easy, one-and-done task. It’s lifelong work because we’re unlearning generations of conditioning that have taught us to value control, power, and obedience. These old systems have deep roots, and it’s natural to sometimes fall back into them, especially in moments of frustration or overwhelm.
Personal Story: Navigating Parenting in Pain
As someone who lives with spinal stenosis and fibromyalgia, I understand firsthand how hard it can be to meet everyone else’s needs when you’re struggling to meet your own. There are mornings when I wake up in pain, and I don’t feel physically or mentally ready to navigate the needs of multiple people. When my own basic well-being is compromised, frustration takes over.
In those moments, I often find myself yelling—not because my kids have done something wrong, but because I feel out of control. Yelling is a form of trying to regain control, often through force or fear, which is exactly what colonial parenting teaches us. But after I reflect, I realize that I’ve caused harm. I think about how my children must have felt in that moment, how the power dynamic played out in ways that hurt them.
On days like this, I’ve learned to be honest with my kids. I tell them, “Today is a slow-moving day. I need space.” I ask them to trust me when I say I know what I need, and in turn, I ask them what they need. We talk about it before tough days hit, and we try to have a plan. But sometimes the plan doesn’t work. Sometimes I still lose my temper.
When that happens, I come back to them. I apologize, I listen, and I make sure to center them in that experience. I acknowledge that they must have felt scared or uncomfortable because, as children, they have no way out. They can’t just say, “I’m leaving,” and get in the car to escape the situation. They have to sit in it, feeling powerless. This is why parent-child relationships can be inherently abusive due to the built-in power dynamics. As parents, we have to take responsibility for recognizing that power and doing everything we can to mitigate the harm it can cause.
Accountability, Apology, and Collaboration: The Repair Cycle
What’s important is how you respond when these moments happen. In any relationship—especially with our children—there will be conflict. But conflict isn’t the end of the relationship; it’s an opportunity for growth. And just like in any relationship, there is a repair cycle after conflict.
Accountability:
The first step in the repair cycle is taking ownership. When you lose your temper or react in a way that reflects old, hierarchical ways of parenting, acknowledge it. Say to your child, “I’m sorry I yelled. That wasn’t the right way to handle my frustration.” By taking accountability, you model what it looks like to own mistakes and show that conflict doesn’t define the relationship—it’s the resolution that matters.Pillar Dismantled: Perfectionism. In taking accountability, you are rejecting the idea that you have to get everything right all the time. You show your child that mistakes are human, and learning from them is a powerful form of growth.
Apology:
Apologizing to your child is a radical act in a world that teaches us as parents to always maintain authority. Apologizing doesn’t undermine your role—it strengthens it. It shows your child that you respect them enough to acknowledge when you’ve acted unfairly or out of alignment with your values. A genuine apology fosters trust and teaches your child the importance of accountability.Pillar Dismantled: Paternalism. By apologizing, you’re breaking down the idea that you are inherently right because you’re the parent. You’re modeling mutual respect and teaching your child that everyone in the family deserves care and consideration.
Collaborative Solutions for the Future:
After taking accountability and apologizing, it’s crucial to center the child in the conversation about what can be done differently. Ask them, “When I am upset, what can I do better to help you feel safe? How can I make sure you feel heard and respected in those moments?” Consider creating a “safe word” together—a verbal cue that reminds you to pause immediately when tensions rise. This allows your child to have a voice in the situation and gives them a sense of control over their emotional safety.
Remember that in a parent-child relationship, there is an inherent power imbalance, and your child cannot truly consent to engage in conflict with you. Asking them how they would like you to handle difficult moments reinforces that their emotional well-being is prioritized. Consent in all things is essential—even in moments of conflict. By working with your child to create a framework for safety, you help build trust and ensure that they feel empowered to express their needs, even when tensions are high.
Pillar Dismantled: Power Hoarding and Fear of Open Conflict. Instead of maintaining power by dictating the terms of the relationship, you are actively sharing it. By asking your child how you can improve and creating a safe word, you remove the fear of conflict and empower them to have a say in how they experience emotionally charged moments. This reinforces trust, respect, and collaboration.
The Conflict Repair Model: A Pathway to Connection
The conflict repair model in parenting emphasizes that conflict is natural in all relationships, but the way we handle and repair after conflict defines the strength of that relationship. In traditional parenting, conflict often leads to punishment, and the relationship itself is often disregarded in favor of maintaining control. In decolonized parenting, however, conflict is not a disruption—it’s an opportunity to deepen connection.
Here’s how the conflict repair model works:
Recognize the Conflict: Don’t shy away from the fact that conflict happened. Acknowledge that things got tense, and both you and your child may be feeling upset.
Acknowledge Emotions: Create space for both you and your child to express how you’re feeling. “I felt overwhelmed when you didn’t listen” can open the door for your child to say, “I was angry because I felt like you weren’t hearing me.”
Repair Together: After accountability and apology, focus on how both of you can repair the relationship. This might involve a simple hug or deciding together how to avoid similar situations in the future.
Move Forward in Trust: The goal of conflict repair is not to avoid future conflict but to build the tools to handle it in ways that foster trust, communication, and care.
What Pillars of Supremacy Culture Are Dismantled?
By embracing the conflict repair model and taking accountability in parenting, we dismantle several harmful pillars of supremacy culture:
Perfectionism: You’re rejecting the notion that you must be a perfect parent and teaching your child that growth comes from mistakes.
Paternalism: You’re breaking down the hierarchy that says parents are always right simply because they’re parents, inviting collaboration and mutual respect.
Power Hoarding: Instead of using your power to maintain control, you’re sharing power with your child by working together on solutions.
Fear of Open Conflict: Conflict is no longer something to be feared but seen as a natural and healthy part of relationships. The (re)pair after the conflict is what deepens the bond.
You Are Doing the Work—And That Matters
Falling into traditional parenting patterns doesn’t make you a bad parent. It makes you human. What matters is that you’re trying, that you’re committed to doing the hard work of decolonizing your parenting. There will be moments of frustration and moments when you feel like you’ve failed. But remember this: Every time you take accountability, apologize, and repair, you are building a pathway to liberation for yourself and your child.
This is the work of breaking cycles. This is the work of healing. Keep going—you are making a difference.
Conclusion: Doing the Best We Can on This Decolonizing Journey
Parenting is an incredible journey, but it’s also one of the most challenging paths we’ll ever walk. As we work to decolonize our parenting, we are unlearning deeply ingrained patterns while trying to create a more just, safe, and loving environment for our children. It’s important to acknowledge that we will make mistakes along the way, and that’s okay. What truly matters is our willingness to take accountability, repair, and collaborate with our children, showing them that they are respected and heard.
We’ve discussed how unlearning colonial parenting is not a linear process, and it often feels like two steps forward, one step back. There will be moments of frustration and times when old habits sneak in. But each time you reflect, apologize, and ask your child how you can do better, you’re breaking down harmful power structures and creating a healthier, more empathetic relationship. Remember, no parent is perfect—and no child needs you to be perfect. They need you to show up with love, to own your mistakes, and to model what it looks like to grow and evolve.
The journey of decolonizing your parenting is not easy, but you’re already doing the hard work by being here, by reflecting, and by choosing to parent with intention. You are doing your best, and that is beautiful. In those moments when you stumble, take a breath, remind yourself that growth is never instant, and know that each effort you make is a step toward a more liberated and connected future for both you and your children.
In solidarity and healing,
Desireé B Stephens
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