Breaking Power Dynamics: Fostering Mutual Respect in the Home

How Decolonizing Parenting Dismantles Supremacy Culture and Rebuilds Trust

Breaking Power Dynamics: Fostering Mutual Respect in the Home

We’ve all been there, no matter where you are in your parenting journey—that moment when you say, “Because I said so,” simply hoping for compliance. You just want the child to follow the directive without pushback, but how does that approach foster agency or critical thinking? Sure, there are moments when quick compliance is necessary for safety or urgency, and in those cases, trust is what guides the response, not fear.

When my children and I were reshaping our lives after my separation from their father, we had a family meeting to discuss what love and trust would look like in our new chapter. We decided to create a "How to Love Me" chart, where each of us shared our needs and how we experience love. At the top of my list, as the parent, was: Trust Me. I explained to them that there would be times when I’d need them to follow my lead without question for their safety or well-being, but we’d always revisit and discuss the "why" afterward. It wasn’t about blind obedience—it was about trusting me to have their best interests at heart.

In that moment, I realized something that applies to every parent, caregiver, and educator: Compliance without trust is just blind leadership. But when we take the time to build trust and co-create our relationships, we’re fostering power with rather than power over. This is the foundation for mutual respect and emotional safety in the home.

Addressing How Supremacy Culture Affects Power Dynamics at Home

Supremacy culture shows up in our homes more often than we think, especially when we fall back on the traditional colonial hierarchical power structures in parenting. When we enforce rules without explanation, demand obedience without building trust, or use fear to control behavior, we’re reinforcing the very systems of oppression we’re trying to dismantle.

I remember one day, I was frustrated and tired, and I wanted my kids to just do what I said. It was one of those moments where everything in me wanted to default to “because I said so.” But then I took a step back and asked myself, What would that teach them? Was it more important to have them do something out of fear or to build trust that encourages them to understand why I was asking for something? That pause gave me the space to realign with the values I want to instill—collaboration, respect, and mutual understanding.

Examples of Supremacy Culture in Parenting:

• Enforcing obedience without explanation: Rules are given, and children are expected to follow them without discussion, reinforcing a hierarchy where only the parent’s voice matters.

• Fear-based discipline: Using punishment or fear to control behavior rather than helping children understand the impact of their actions.

• Paternalism: The assumption that adults always know best, leaving children with no room to express their own perspectives or needs.

When we rely on these dynamics, we send the message that control is more important than connection, and that’s where the breakdown in mutual respect begins.

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I’ll never forget a specific evening after a long day of work and errands. The kids were loud, full of energy, and I was at the end of my patience. My youngest was refusing to clean up their toys, and I could feel my frustration rising. I was on the verge of saying, “Just do it because I said so,” defaulting to the very power dynamic I’d been trying to avoid. It was one of those moments where everything in me just wanted compliance.

But something in me stopped. I paused for a second and thought about what “because I said so” would teach them. It would have been the easy route at that moment—demand obedience, get the toys cleaned up, and move on. But what would that teach them about respect or trust? Would they understand why it was important to clean up, or just learn that my voice mattered more than theirs?

Instead, I took a deep breath and knelt down to their level. I asked, “Why don’t you want to clean up? What’s going on?” That small moment of inquiry changed everything. It turned out they were tired and overwhelmed, and cleaning up felt like too much. We talked about it, and I said, “I understand being tired and overwhelmed, we can just leave it for tomorrow”. I realized that if I had demanded obedience, I would’ve missed the opportunity to connect and show them that I respected their feelings.

It was a clear reminder of how power hoarding shows up in parenting. The moment I let go of the need for immediate compliance and made room for a conversation, it created a space of collaboration and trust, rather than fear or resentment.

Building Trust and Mutual Respect

Mutual respect in the home starts with recognizing that children are fully capable beings. They deserve the same level of trust, respect, and autonomy that we expect in our own lives. This doesn’t mean abandoning boundaries or structure; it means co-creating those boundaries in a way that honors both the parent and the child.

One of the most transformative shifts in our household was when we began to involve the children in creating family agreements. I remember sitting down at the table with them and asking, “What do you need to feel respected and loved in our home?” Their answers were simple but profound—things like, “I need to be listened to,” or “I need space when I’m upset.” These conversations made them feel heard and gave them a sense of ownership over the environment we were creating together.

Actionable Steps to Build Mutual Respect:

1. Co-Create Family Agreements:
   Involve children in decision-making processes that affect the household. For example, create a family agreement where everyone’s voice is heard, and responsibilities are shared equitably.

   Actionable Tip:
   During family meetings, ask your children questions like, “What do you need to feel safe and respected in our home?” Incorporating their feedback into family agreements strengthens trust and fosters collaboration.

2. Encourage Emotional Expression Without Fear:
   Create a space where children can express their emotions freely, without fear of punishment or dismissal. This helps build emotional safety and fosters trust.

   Actionable Tip:
   Use language like, “It’s okay to feel upset—let’s talk about it,” rather than, “Stop crying, it’s not a big deal.” Validate their emotions, and guide them through understanding those feelings.

3. Model Mutual Respect and Listening:
   Children learn through observation, and when they see their caregivers engaging in respectful conversations and actively listening, they mirror those behaviors.

   Actionable Tip:
   In moments of conflict, prioritize listening first. Reflect back what your child says to show you’re actively engaged in their perspective: “I hear that you’re feeling frustrated because…”

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One of the biggest turning points in our family was when I realized that mutual respect had to be more than just a concept—it needed to be something we practiced daily. I vividly remember the day I called a family meeting to talk about how we could all feel more respected at home. The kids were hesitant at first, unsure of what I was asking for, but I made it clear that this wasn’t about more rules. It was about building an environment where we all felt heard.

We sat at the dining table, and I asked a simple question: “What do you need to feel respected and loved in our home?” At first, their answers were typical kid responses—“more snacks” or “I don’t want to feed the cats”—but as we dug deeper, they started sharing real insights. One of my children said, “I need to be listened to when I’m upset.” Another added, “I need space when I’m mad and not have to talk right away.” Another said, “I need you not to yell so much.”

These answers were so simple, yet so profound. It hit me that, like adults, children want the same things—to feel respected, understood, and trusted. I realized that by including them in these conversations, we were creating a sense of ownership and trust that transformed the energy in our home. Instead of enforcing rules from the top down, we were co-creating the boundaries that worked for all of us.

From that day forward, we started holding each other accountable for our agreements and making repair. We also agreed to regular family meetings that anyone can call to order. These meetings have become a space where we all get a say, and we continue to refine what respect looks like for each of us. It wasn’t about giving up boundaries; it was about shaping those boundaries together, ensuring that everyone feels safe and valued in our home.

Creating Open, Collaborative Environments for Children

Breaking the power dynamics that uphold supremacy culture isn’t just about shifting behavior; it’s about changing the entire environment in which children are raised. When we create open, collaborative spaces where children feel safe to express themselves, we’re teaching them how to build trust-based relationships, resolve conflicts, and become empowered individuals.

In my home, we began to view conflict as an opportunity for connection. Instead of shying away from difficult conversations, we leaned into them. When tensions rose, we would sit down together and problem-solve as a team. This shift was crucial in helping my children understand that conflict is natural, and resolving it is a collaborative process, not a power struggle.

Key Elements of a Collaborative Environment:

• Open Dialogue: Let your children know that they can come to you with their concerns, ideas, or frustrations without fear of dismissal.

• Problem-Solving Together: In moments of conflict, involve your children in finding a solution. This builds trust and empowers them to engage in critical thinking.

• Embracing Mistakes: Normalize mistakes as part of learning and growth. Show your children that mistakes don’t lead to shame but to reflection and understanding.

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Pillars Dismantled:

1. Power Hoarding:
   By shifting from control-based parenting to collaboration, we dismantle the notion that power must be held by the parent alone. Sharing decision-making power fosters equity in the parent-child relationship.

2. Paternalism:
   The belief that parents always know best is a relic of supremacy culture. Decolonizing this approach means recognizing that children have valuable insights into their own needs and experiences.

3. Fear of Open Conflict:
   Many families avoid conflict to maintain control, but in reality, conflict can strengthen relationships when handled with openness and compassion. Engaging in conflict collaboratively teaches children that disagreements are part of life and can be resolved without power struggles.

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Healing Focus: Creating Open, Collaborative Environments for Children

Decolonizing the power dynamics in your home is a process of healing—both for the parent and the child. Shifting away from control-based parenting means allowing yourself to be vulnerable, admit mistakes, and build emotional safety. This can be difficult, especially when we’ve been conditioned to believe that control equals security.

The key is to create an environment where emotions are valid, mistakes are welcomed, and your children’s voices are heard. In doing so, we foster a sense of mutual trust that not only transforms our relationship with our children but also helps us heal from the power dynamics we were raised with.

Actionable Healing Steps:

• Reflect on Your Triggers:
  Before reacting, take a moment to ask yourself if your response is driven by fear, control, or a desire to maintain authority. Reframe it in terms of collaboration.

• Apologize and Repair:
  When conflict arises, don’t hesitate to apologize if you’ve overstepped. This shows children that everyone makes mistakes and models how to repair relationships in a healthy way.

• Create Emotional Safety:
  Set up regular family check-ins to talk about how everyone is feeling, what’s working, and what needs adjusting. Show your children that their emotions are safe and valid, and that you’ll work together to solve any issues.

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Conclusion:

Parenting is not about relinquishing boundaries—it’s about rebuilding them in a way that fosters trust and mutual respect. By dismantling the pillars of power hoarding, paternalism, and fear of conflict, we create homes where children feel safe, empowered, and heard. And in doing so, we not only teach our children the values of collaboration and emotional intelligence, but we also heal the relationships we share with them.

This journey is challenging but ultimately transformative. When we approach parenting with a decolonized mindset, we create the foundation for stronger, more trusting relationships that will shape our children into confident, compassionate individuals.

In solidarity and liberation,

Desireé B Stephens

Counselor | Educator | Community Builder

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