The Longest Night, and the Work of Staying
Before you read further, I want to offer you choice.
You are welcome to pause.
You are welcome to skim.
You are welcome to come back later… or not at all.
Nothing here requires urgency.
Nothing here demands resolution.
If it’s available, take a moment to notice your body:
where you’re seated or resting
the temperature around you
one place you feel contact or support
You are not behind.
Your body is already doing the work.
This reflection comes from a recent live conversation during the solstice, shaped by grief, joy, nervous-system awareness, and the layered work of community
Community Beyond the Binary
We are taught (quietly and persistently) that community is about showing up for the good parts.
Celebrations.
Ease.
The moments that photograph well.
But real community lives somewhere else.
It lives in the in-between:
when joy and grief share the same breath
when love exists without fixing
when discomfort doesn’t automatically mean danger
The solstice gathering I spoke about in the live was not clean or simple. It was layered. Tender. Awkward in places. Deeply loving in others. It required discernment rather than performance.
And that’s the part I want to name clearly:
Community is not proven by attendance.
It is revealed by capacity.
Capacity to stay present.
Capacity to tell the truth without centering yourself.
Capacity to let grief exist without rushing it into a lesson.
Supremacy culture trains us toward binaries:
good / bad
safe / unsafe
right / wrong
But the body doesn’t live in binaries.
The nervous system lives in nuance.
What I witnessed (and what I was navigating internally) was the work of staying human in a space where:
trust was built through honesty, not denial
alignment mattered more than agreement
grief was permanent, not procedural
Grief is not a process, but a permanent experience. Grief is love’s last offering. We should run to it, rather than from it. - Zawn Villines (from the article linked below👇🏽)
That is not accidental. That is practiced.
This recap/article is a wee bit shorter because the live truly complimented the article written, so as to not inundate you with my one million and one thoughts, I will embed the article that gave birth to the live:
🌬️Regulation Pause (Please Take This)
This is a good place to stop for a moment.
If it feels supportive:
take one slow breath in through your nose
let it out through your mouth or sigh
gently look around the room and name three neutral objects
You are allowed to take breaks from depth.
Depth will still be here if and when you return.
Practice Your Praxis
You do not need to do all of these.
You do not need to answer them now.
You may simply notice what lands.
SELF: Capacity Before Performance
Reflection:
Where do you feel pressure to show up well instead of show up honestly?
What sensations arise when you are near grief that isn’t yours?
How do you know… in your body, when you’ve reached your limit?
Reframe:
Self-praxis is not about being braver.
It is about being more honest with your capacity.
You are allowed to stay and you are allowed to leave.
Both can be acts of integrity.
HOME: Truth as Safety
Reflection:
Where have you softened or withheld truth to keep the peace?
What happens in your body when honesty is met with trust instead of dismissal?
How do you prepare the people you love for complexity without fear?
Reframe:
Safety is not created by pretending harm doesn’t exist.
Safety is created through relationship, preparation, and choice.
Telling the truth (especially to children) is not harm.
It is respect.
WORK / COMMUNITY: Discernment Is the Work
Reflection:
Do you feel pressure to address every misstep immediately?
How do you decide what needs confrontation versus what needs noting?
Who benefits when you pause instead of perform?
Reframe:
Not every moment requires correction.
Not every discomfort requires action.
Community care is not purity culture.
It is discernment, timing, and consent.
Repair requires staying—not rushing.
Journey Deeper
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Closing Integration
As you finish (or pause), see if you can return to your body again.
Notice:
one place that feels softer than when you began
one insight that doesn’t need to be acted on
one permission you’re taking with you
The Season of Self is not about fixing or figuring out.
It is about learning what you can hold —
and honoring what you cannot.
You are allowed to move slowly.
You are allowed to stay human.
Happy Holidays, and Blessed Solstice
In solidarity and liberation,
Desireé B. Stephens
Educator | Counselor | Community Builder
Founder, Make Shi(f)t Happen
Writer of Liberation Education
Steward of Selenite & Sage Healing Homestead Co.
Where Reflection Meets Transformation
Thank you Zawn Villines, Susan, Suz, Ana Sheree, Pega Love, and many others for tuning into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app.
