A Sacred Birthday Reflection
Today is my birthday.
And there’s no paywall on Mondays, but especially today, I wanted this to be a gift—an invitation into a different kind of becoming. Because this season we’re in, this moment in the 100 Days of Community—it isn’t about landing somewhere polished. It’s about honoring the sacredness of being in-between.
Not dormant anymore.
Not fully blossomed yet.
Just becoming.
This is emergence.
So thank you for holding space with me—not just as an educator, but as a full human being. A mother. A survivor. A woman in her 46th year, still unfolding. Still teaching. Still listening. Still becoming.
Let’s Sit With This Clip
“Empathy is not something we teach. It’s something we model. It’s something we embody. And most of us didn’t get to witness it, so we have to build it now.”
Empathy isn’t transactional. It isn’t about saying “I hear you” and then moving on. It’s about building trust by listening deeply—not to prove a point or fix a problem, but to hold someone’s lived truth without defense.
I shared in the live that empathy is not telling someone how their experience compares to yours in a way that invalidates it. It’s bearing witness to their story without trying to replace it with your own.
You don’t have to agree with someone’s truth to honor it.
You don’t even have to understand it right away.
But if you care about connection, you have to believe it.
That’s what community requires of us.
What We’re Learning Today
Empathy is a tool for understanding
It's not agreement. It's not pity. It's presence. It's saying, "I believe you."Empathy requires active listening
Listening without fixing. Without defending. Without waiting to respond. Just hearing the truth that someone is brave enough to share.Empathy leads to compassionate action
Real empathy moves us. It doesn’t leave us unchanged. It inspires co-creation and communal care.
Let's Go Deeper
In the full companion article, we explore:
How empathy must be embodied—not performed
The skill of active listening and how it frees both the speaker and the listener
Why empathy must move us from insight to impact
How to build connection through shared needs, not hierarchical giving
And why empathy for ourselves is where it all begins
reminder the 46% birthday discount – Ends tonight at midnight.
From Performative Empathy to Embodied Care
We’ve all been on the receiving end of performative empathy.
The kind that looks like a nod but feels like dismissal.
The kind that says “I understand” while rushing to the next point.
The kind that hears your words but refuses to believe your experience.
And if we’re honest? Most of us have also given that kind of response—because we were never taught anything else.
We were taught politeness, not presence.
We were taught to apologize quickly, not to sit with impact.
We were taught to intellectualize pain, not to listen with the body.
But empathy—real empathy—is not a concept. It’s a practice.
A full-bodied, nervous-system-aware, relational commitment to staying connected when someone else is in their truth.
“Empathy is not about agreement. It’s about willingness. Willingness to witness. Willingness to believe. Willingness to respond with care.”
So when we say we’re building liberatory communities, what we’re really saying is:
We are building communities where people can bring their needs, their wounds, their identities, their rage, and still be received with tenderness.
And that doesn’t start on a big stage.
It starts at the dinner table. On the Zoom call. In the parenting moment. In the heated conversation where you want to shut down—but instead, you choose to stay soft.
That’s what we’re practicing today. Not perfection. Presence.
Active Listening Tools: The Root of Real Communication
In the live, I talked about how most of us weren’t raised on models of real communication—we were raised on performance, reactivity, and correction. That’s why active listening isn’t just a technique. It’s a liberation practice.
“Active listening is not waiting for your turn to speak—it’s witnessing someone’s truth without trying to edit it.”
It’s not passive.
It’s not silent agreement.
It’s presence with purpose.
It’s a tool for understanding, not controlling.
When we practice active listening, we’re doing four things:
Pausing before responding
We’re not rushing to fix, rescue, or defend. We’re holding the space so someone feels heard, not managed.Reflecting what we heard back to the speaker
This might sound like: “What I’m hearing is…” or “I want to make sure I understand…”Asking clarifying questions without centering ourselves
Instead of “That happened to me too…” try “How did that feel for you?” or “What do you need in this moment?”Honoring the speaker’s pace and capacity
Not everyone processes verbally. Not everyone wants feedback right away. Sometimes the most powerful response is:
“I’m here. Thank you for trusting me.”
Active listening helps us move from:
Performing empathy → Practicing empathy
Reacting defensively → Responding intentionally
Trying to be right → Trying to stay connected
And the result? More effective communication. More trust. More truth. More care.
Because when people feel heard, they stop shouting.
When people feel understood, they stop defending.
And when people feel safe, they start sharing what’s actually going on.
So if you want deeper relationships—at home, in community, in leadership—don’t just “listen.”
Learn how to stay present when someone else is vulnerable.
That’s where everything shifts.
SELF: Offering Yourself What You’ve Been Denied
Start here: What’s the truth you’ve been waiting for someone to believe?
We’ve all been shaped by systems that told us our emotions were too much, our stories too loud, our needs too burdensome. And so many of us learned to withhold—to perform, to survive, to suppress.
But what if you offered yourself the thing others couldn’t?
What if today, you simply said to yourself:
“I believe you.”
“You don’t need to prove it.”
“Your truth is sacred.”
That’s empathy.
That’s restoration.
That’s homecoming.
HOME: Modeling Empathy in the Day-to-Day
In the live, you saw it—my kids were part of the moment, just as much as the lesson.
Because this isn’t theoretical. I parent in real time. I ask my kids what they need. I remind them: “If you can’t name your needs, I can’t help meet them.”
That’s not just good parenting. That’s emotional infrastructure.
In our homes, we can normalize:
Asking, “Do you want advice or just to be heard?”
Listening without interrupting or offering solutions
Reminding our people (and ourselves): "You don’t need to earn tenderness"
And if no one gave that to you growing up, then let today be the beginning of a new blueprint.
WORK: Designing for Connection, Not Correction
Empathy has to shape how we lead, how we facilitate, how we organize. We can’t claim liberation if we’re still operating from control, correction, or saviorism.
If you’re leading a team, a community group, a classroom—ask yourself:
Do people feel safe naming their needs?
Are we responding with “How can I support you?” instead of “Why didn’t you…?”
Have we created processes that respond to pain without requiring proof?
Empathy in leadership doesn’t mean you take on everything.
It means you create a culture where people can speak truth without fear.
That is sustainable organizing.
Practice Your Praxis
Try This:
Before responding in a conversation, pause and ask: “Do you want support or space?”
Start meetings or family check-ins with a “what do you need today?” circle
Re-listen to a recent disagreement and notice: Did you hear to understand, or to respond?
Journal Prompts:
What’s a truth I’ve been afraid to speak—and why?
Where do I tend to fix instead of feel?
Who modeled empathy for me growing up—and what did I learn?
Final Reflections: Begin With Belief
If nothing else lands today, let this be the gift:
You are not broken for needing to be believed.
You deserve to be heard without a rebuttal.
You deserve to be seen without a defense.
You deserve to be held without having to shrink.
And so does everyone else.
We aren’t building community around agreement—we’re building it around care.
We’re not waiting for the world to validate us—we are learning to validate each other.
Start with yourself.
Then stretch that empathy into your circles, your systems, your solidarity.
That’s the work. And you’re already doing it.
I’ll see you tomorrow for Day 83: Reflecting on the Lessons So Far.
But today, we hold our truths and each other with tenderness.
In solidarity and liberation,
Desireé B. Stephens
Educator | Counselor | Community Builder
Founder, Make Shi(f)t Happen
Thank you
, , and many others for tuning into my live video! Join me tomorrow at 9:30 am EST for my next live video in the app.
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