Dismantling the Colonial Mindset in Parenting

Focused on the pillars: "I'm the Only One," "Sense of Urgency," and "Worship of the Written Word"

Objective:
To provide insights into how parents can begin to recognize and unlearn colonial influences in their parenting practices by addressing the pillars of “I'm the Only One,” “Sense of Urgency,” and “Worship of the Written Word.” This article will explore the intersections of patriarchy, racism, Christianization, ableism, and classism, while offering practical strategies inspired by Indigenous approaches to parenting that emphasize collaboration, mindfulness, and holistic communication.

Introduction: Recognizing Colonial Narratives in Parenting

Colonialism didn’t just restructure economies, political systems, and societies; it also reshaped how families parented. Embedded in these transformations were patriarchy, racism, Christianization, ableism, and classism—each reinforcing narratives that emphasized hierarchy, control, and submission. These intersections affect how we raise our children today, from how we think about authority to the pressure to conform to societal norms around "productivity" and “success”. By deconstructing these colonial narratives, we can create more inclusive, compassionate, and liberatory ways of parenting that honor the autonomy and dignity of all children.

Key Themes: Identifying Colonial Narratives in Parenting

1. I’m the Only One (Belief in Singular Competence):
   This pillar stems from colonial hierarchies, patriarchy, and ableism. In parenting, it manifests as the belief that one person—often the father/head of household or the most able-bodied parent—must take full control and responsibility for decision-making. It dismisses the contributions of others, including other caregivers and even the child, and assumes that the parent knows best. Patriarchy enforces the idea of the singularly competent parent (often the father), while ableism dismisses the input of those with disabilities or neurodivergence, implying that competence is tied to physical or cognitive ability.

2. Sense of Urgency:
   The colonial drive for conquest and capitalism reinforced a sense of urgency in all aspects of life, including parenting. Urgency prioritizes efficiency over thoughtful, inclusive decision-making and is deeply tied to classism and ableism. In classist structures, time is often a privilege, and those in lower socioeconomic statuses are pressured to perform quickly and efficiently, with little room for reflection. Ableism further marginalizes individuals by not allowing space for different developmental paces or needs, pushing all children to meet rigid, fast-paced standards that may not accommodate neurodivergence or disability. In parenting, urgency often results in rushing through decisions, developmental milestones, and learning processes, leaving little room for mindfulness and reflection.

3. Worship of the Written Word:
   The colonial and Christian traditions of written language as the ultimate form of communication marginalized oral traditions, storytelling, and non-written forms of knowledge. Ableism and classism intersect here, too—ableism by prioritizing written communication over more accessible or inclusive forms (disregarding those with learning disabilities or neurodivergent ways of learning) and classism by valuing formal education and literacy, which may not have been available to everyone due to socioeconomic barriers. In parenting, this shows up in rigid reliance on written schedules, rules, or academic achievements, sidelining more creative or intuitive methods of communication and learning that may be more suitable for certain children.

The Intersections of Patriarchy, Racism, Christianization, Ableism, and Classism in Parenting

1. Patriarchy:
   Patriarchy promotes the idea that men or dominant figures in the household should be the sole decision-makers, reinforcing the pillar of "I’m the Only One." This structure dismisses the wisdom of women and caregivers, the extended community, and the child at hand, centering male authority while downplaying collaborative, nurturing approaches.

2. Racism:
   Racism perpetuated colonial ideals of white superiority, influencing parenting practices by promoting strict obedience and control for Black children and children of color, fostering entitlement and individualism in white children. Parenting practices rooted in colonialism often emphasize conformity to white, Christianized norms, which were enforced through violence and discipline in all communities, especially within marginalized communities.

3. Christianization:
   Christianity imposed moralistic frameworks of sin, punishment, and salvation, reinforcing the belief in strict obedience and discipline. This framework often punished deviation from rigid, written rules, particularly in Christianized societies that saw autonomy and emotional expression as forms of rebellion against God’s will.

4. Ableism:
   Ableism enforces the belief that competence and success are defined by physical and cognitive ability, marginalizing parents and children with disabilities or neurodivergent experiences. Ableism in parenting encourages the idea that there is one “right” way to learn, communicate, or succeed, dismissing diverse developmental paths and abilities.

5. Classism:
   Classism reinforces urgency and efficiency, leaving little room for flexibility in parenting. Lower-income families are often pressured to conform to fast-paced timelines, while higher-income families may have more access to resources, time, and supportive networks. The pressure to meet certain milestones or expectations, especially in under-resourced communities, can create immense stress for parents and children.

These systems together reinforce a model of parenting rooted in hierarchy, control, and conformity, limiting opportunities for children to grow into their full autonomy and potential. By understanding and challenging these intersecting forces, we can move toward more inclusive, compassionate, and decolonized parenting practices.

Strategies for Change: Dismantling Colonial Influences in Parenting

To decolonize our parenting practices, we need to challenge these pillars and shift towards more collaborative, inclusive, and thoughtful approaches. Here are strategies to dismantle the influences of “I'm the Only One,” “Sense of Urgency,” and “Worship of the Written Word,” while addressing the intersections of patriarchy, racism, Christianization, ableism, and classism.

1. I’m the Only One: Shifting from Singular Competence to Collective Wisdom

   • Engage Your Child and Community: Move away from the belief that you alone must control or manage your child’s life. Actively seek input from your child, other caregivers, and community members in decision-making. This creates a more inclusive approach, ensuring that everyone—including those marginalized by ableism or classism—has a voice.

   • Challenge Patriarchal Structures: Be mindful of how patriarchy and ableism may influence your decisions, especially if you’re assuming that certain people in the family are more “competent” due to their physical ability, gender, or neurotypical status. Create an environment where all contributions are valued equally.

   • Honor Indigenous Ways of Parenting: Indigenous parenting traditions often involved collective responsibility, where extended family and the community supported the child’s development. By embracing this communal approach, you can shift away from the colonial notion that one parent must bear the full burden of parenting decisions.

2. Sense of Urgency: Embracing Mindfulness Over Speed

   • Slow Down: Recognize that urgency is a colonial construct designed to prioritize productivity over thoughtfulness and inclusivity. Give yourself and your child the time and space to grow, reflect, and learn. If your child has developmental delays or neurodivergent traits, allow them to proceed at their own pace.

   • Reject Classism and Ableism in Parenting: Understand that not all children develop at the same rate, and rushing them through milestones may cause harm. Honor your child’s unique developmental journey, whether they need more time to process, rest, or learn in ways that differ from traditional methods.

   • Practice Patience and Presence: Indigenous cultures often allowed children the freedom to grow naturally without forcing them into rigid timelines or standards. Incorporating patience and mindfulness into your parenting creates an environment where both you and your child can thrive without the pressure of unrealistic expectations.

3. Worship of the Written Word: Valuing Holistic Communication

   • Incorporate Oral Traditions and Storytelling: Challenge the overemphasis on written language by embracing storytelling, music, art, and other non-written forms of communication. Indigenous cultures used storytelling to pass down knowledge and teach moral lessons, and this can be a beautiful way to engage with your child’s learning.

   • Challenge Ableism in Learning and Communication: Recognize that not all children learn or communicate best through written words. Some children may excel in oral communication, while others may express themselves better through art, movement, or music. Honor these diverse ways of being and learning.

   • Flexible Structures Over Rigid Schedules: Instead of relying on rigid written schedules or academic milestones, create flexible structures that allow for creativity, play, and reflection. This helps shift the focus from performance and productivity to the quality of time spent with your child.

Decolonizing parenting involves shifting away from hierarchical, rigid, and exclusionary practices, and embracing a more collaborative, inclusive, and mindful approach. To dismantle colonial influences like “I’m the Only One,” “Sense of Urgency,” and “Worship of the Written Word,” parents, caregivers, and educators must reframe their thinking and behaviors. This includes honoring collective wisdom, slowing down, and embracing diverse communication styles. The strategies outlined offer practical ways to challenge the intersections of patriarchy, racism, Christianization, ableism, and classism in parenting.

Reflective Questions

1. How can you shift from feeling solely responsible for your child’s development to involving your child and your community in decision-making?

2. In what ways have urgency and the pressure to “keep up” influenced your parenting, and how can you create more space for mindfulness and patience?

3. Are there alternative forms of communication (like storytelling, art, or music) that could help you and your child connect more deeply, especially if written language feels limiting?

4. How might you challenge classism and ableism in your expectations for your child’s development and create more flexible, inclusive structures in your household?

5. How can you incorporate Indigenous approaches to communal responsibility and collective wisdom into your parenting practices?

Invitation for deeper support

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Conclusion: Centering Children’s Liberation in Your Personal Decolonization Journey

Centering your children in their own liberation is a radical act that not only frees them from colonial systems but also supports your own journey of decolonization and whole self-healing. As you challenge the narratives of control, urgency, and rigidity in parenting, you simultaneously dismantle the internalized beliefs that restrict your own growth and liberation. Raising children in a way that honors their autonomy, creativity, and emotional needs allows you to heal generational trauma, reconnect with ancestral wisdom, and experience personal freedom.

By parenting in a decolonized, inclusive, and liberatory way, you break the chains of oppression that limit both you and your children. This journey is not only about freeing the next generation but about reclaiming your own wholeness and self-liberation in the process.

Goal of 1000 Subscribers – Let’s Build Together!

As part of our commitment to creating liberation for ALL, we are on a mission to reach 1000 subscribers to this series. We are currently at 80 subscribers, and we need your support to grow our community! I have made a conscious choice to not paywall thereby creating acessibilty and equity in education. By subscribing, you’re helping to create scholarships and accessible resources for people, parents and caregivers committed to decolonizing their lives and parenting practices. Together, we can build a movement that centers whole self-healing, liberation, and justice for all.

In solidarity and healing,

Desireé B Stephens