Grief in Growth: Letting Go of What No Longer Serves You
Why every transformation requires mourning, and how to move through it.
Good morning,
Before we begin, I invite you to pause. Take a deep breath. Place your hand on your heart if that feels grounding. Notice what you are carrying today.
Because here’s the truth: Growth is grief work.
We do not just step into new versions of ourselves—we must release the old ones. And even when we know something no longer serves us, even when we are actively choosing growth, letting go is still loss.
So often, we only associate grief with death. But grief shows up anytime we experience an ending, anytime we step into something new and unfamiliar.
We grieve identities we once held.
We grieve relationships that no longer align.
We grieve the comfort of old habits, even when we know they are unhealthy.
We grieve the versions of ourselves that kept us safe, even if they kept us small.
Transformation demands that we shed, and shedding is not always soft.
Let’s talk about what it means to honor the grief that comes with growth—and how to move through it with tenderness.
The Grief I Am Sitting With Right Now
I don’t share these things lightly. But I also know that grief is something we are taught to carry in silence, and I refuse to do that.
For the last eight months, I have been fictive kin to my nephew, the grandson of my best friend of 30 years. I have been showing up, holding space, creating a foundation of love for this child. And now, he is transitioning to the foster mom who has custody of his baby brother. I know this is what’s best for him—to be with his sibling, to have stability—but that does not mean the letting go is easy.
At the same time, I am grieving the version of my husband I once knew. Alcoholism has shifted our family in ways I never imagined, and my role has had to shift with it. I am holding space for my children as they navigate the consequences of his choices, and that requires a different kind of strength than I ever expected.
And then there is the grief of releasing my need to fix everything.
I have spent so much of my life being the one who holds it all together, who finds solutions, who carries the weight of making things right. And now, I am choosing something different. I am choosing to step back from the leading role and instead, simply support.
And if I am honest? That makes me nauseous.
Because for so long, my identity was wrapped up in being the one who fixes, who manages, who makes sure everyone else is okay. Stepping back—**trusting that I do not have to control everything for it to be okay—**feels like a free fall.
So I know this grief intimately. The grief of releasing a role. The grief of accepting that something has changed. The grief of stepping into the unknown.
And I also know this: on the other side of this grief is something new.
Why We Struggle to Let Go
If you have ever held onto something longer than you should have, you are not alone.
We struggle to let go because:
We mistake familiarity for safety. Even when something is unhealthy, it is known—and that can feel easier than facing the unknown.
We attach our identity to what we are leaving behind. If I let this go, who am I without it?
We fear regret. What if I change and wish I hadn’t? What if I can’t go back?
We were never taught how to grieve. Supremacy culture rewards “moving on” rather than moving through. We are taught to suppress, to distract, to keep going. But unprocessed grief does not disappear—it lives in the body, waiting to be acknowledged.
And so we hold on. Even when it hurts.
Supremacy Culture’s Role in Why Letting Go Feels Impossible
Letting go is hard enough on its own. But supremacy culture makes it even harder.
Because supremacy culture tells us:
Perfectionism – You must always be in control; if you let go, you are failing.
Individualism – You alone are responsible for holding everything together. Asking for help is weakness.
Fear of Open Conflict – It is better to hold onto harmful situations than to disrupt stability.
Right to Comfort – Discomfort is to be avoided, not moved through.
Power Hoarding – Control is the only way to maintain safety.
Supremacy culture thrives on control, urgency, and avoidance. It conditions us to grip tightly—to relationships, to roles, to identities that no longer serve us—because releasing them would mean stepping into the unknown.
And the unknown? That is where liberation lives.
But we cannot embrace liberation while still clutching the tools of oppression.
So, if we are serious about dismantling supremacy culture, we must also dismantle the ways we hold onto things out of fear, rather than alignment.
Because supremacy culture wants us exhausted. It wants us clinging to roles that deplete us. It wants us too overwhelmed to trust our own evolution.
But we can choose differently.
We can choose to grieve, to release, and to step forward without knowing exactly where the path leads.
Because that is where real transformation happens.
If this work resonates with you, join my paid subscribers for deeper reflections, guided practices, and community support on this journey of renewal.
Your growth is worth investing in.
If finances are a barrier, email Scholarships@DesireeBStephens.com—liberation is meant to be collective, and I want this work to be accessible.
Friday’s deep dive:
🖤 The Softness of Strength: Embracing Rest as Resistance
(How rest fuels transformation & why slowing down is an act of liberation.)
Because as we release, we must also restore.