Healing Old Wounds and Repairing Relationships with Adult Children

Revisiting the Past to Build a Liberated Future Together

Introduction

Parenting is a lifelong journey of growth, learning, and transformation. For many of us, this journey involves moments of regret and realizations about the ways we may have unknowingly perpetuated harmful, colonial parenting practices. Though we might have done our best with the knowledge and tools available to us, hindsight often reveals that certain approaches—rooted in control, power, and conformity—caused pain for our children. These practices, despite our intentions, sometimes led to distance, estrangement, or deep-seated hurt.

Reflecting on my own experiences, I remember raising my first child while carrying the weight of inherited approaches and a well-meaning yet rigid, commitment to religious values. I parented as I thought I should. My approach was mixed—there were moments of liberation, but there were also close-minded, dogmatic ideas rooted in raising her to be a “good Christian.” This desire, though I didn’t realize it at the time, was itself a form of violence: imposing colonial constraints under the guise of moral guidance. My intentions to protect and guide sometimes eclipsed my daughter’s own voice and autonomy. Over time, these choices created a distance that eventually grew into estrangement—a painful reminder of the unintended effects of colonial, religiously-driven parenting methods. Repairing this distance has become an ongoing journey, requiring deep accountability, patience, and vulnerability.

If you find yourself in a similar place—grappling with the desire to reconnect, heal, and offer repair—this article will guide you through ways to revisit past wounds and initiate conversations for healing. Together, we’ll explore how to dismantle the patterns that no longer serve us and foster an environment where openness, trust, and respect can flourish, even after years of disconnection.

It’s important to remember that phrases like "get over it" are not just dismissive but actively harmful. These words reflect a refusal to confront the pain we’ve caused and reveal a lack of desire to engage with the truth of our children’s experiences. Choosing to hear and validate their pain instead honors their journey and creates space for a genuine, transformative repair. In acknowledging and facing these past choices, we take a powerful step toward healing our relationships and setting the stage for liberation, for both our children and ourselves.

Revisiting Wounds: Recognizing Past Patterns

Many of us, especially those who were raised with a sense of "doing things the right way," may not realize the extent to which colonial and religious structures shaped our parenting. These systems prioritized obedience, control, and adherence to strict codes—often overshadowing our children’s individuality, autonomy, and voices. For those