Healing the Bridged Gap:
Embracing Equity in the "Male-Female" Dynamics and Challenging Paternalism
As the holiday season is waning, I want us to take a look at how family dynamics play out. For many, it is a time of joy, celebration, and togetherness. However, for those of us who are in the realm of activism, healing, and decolonization, we are also acutely aware of the emotional labor gap that arises during this time. This gap is a direct result of the pillar of paternalism, which perpetuates harmful gender binaries and roles enforced by the white Christian cis-hetero patriarchy.
The concept of paternalism is deeply rooted in colonialism and slavery, where white men* were seen as the ultimate authority and decision-makers. This belief system has been passed down through generations, and its effects can still be seen today in our societal structures and norms. In the context of the holiday season, it manifests in the expectation that women* take on the role of caregivers, homemakers, and emotional laborers. At the same time, men* are expected to be providers and leaders.
At first glance, this may not seem harmful, but when we dig deeper, we see that this construct of gender binary and roles has a detrimental effect on all individuals, including the men* who perpetuate it. For women*, it means being burdened with the responsibility of organizing and executing holiday celebrations, often at the expense of their own mental and emotional well-being. It also reinforces the societal expectation that women* must put others' needs before their own, leading to burnout and emotional exhaustion.
On the other hand, men* are taught from a young age that emotions are a sign of weakness, and they must suppress them to fit into the mold of the strong, unemotional provider. This can lead to a lack of emotional intelligence and the inability to connect with others on a deeper level. It also puts immense pressure on men* to fulfill the role of provider, leading to stress and anxiety.
As trauma-informed, decolonization educators, counselors, and advocates, we must recognize and address the harmful effects of paternalism and the gender roles it enforces. This holiday season, let us release these constructs and embrace a more inclusive and equitable way of celebrating. This means acknowledging and valuing the emotional labor that women* put into making the holiday season special and sharing the responsibilities with men*. It also means creating space for men* to express their emotions and break free from the toxic masculinity that is perpetuated by the patriarchy.
By dismantling the pillar of paternalism and challenging gender binaries and roles, we can create a more compassionate and empathetic society for all. Let us all do our part in releasing these harmful constructs and creating a holiday season that is inclusive, equitable, and free from the emotional labor gap caused by the patriarchal system. Together, we can create a better future for ourselves and the generations to come.
Let's delve deeper
Take a look at the emotional labor gap caused by the pillar of paternalism during the holiday season and explore how the constructs of the gender binary and roles perpetuated by the white Christian cis-hetero patriarchy harm all individuals involved, including the men who perpetuate it.
The emotional labor gap refers to the unequal distribution of emotional work and caregiving responsibilities, particularly during the holiday season. Traditionally, women* are expected to take on the majority of this labor, including planning and organizing family gatherings, cooking, cleaning, gift shopping, and managing the emotional well-being of others. This expectation places a significant burden on women*, often leaving them overwhelmed and exhausted.
The pillar of paternalism, rooted in colonialism and slavery, upholds the belief that men* are the authority figures and decision-makers, while women are relegated to subordinate roles. This power dynamic is reinforced through societal norms and expectations, including those related to the holiday season. The white Christian cis-hetero patriarchy enforces gender binaries and roles that limit individuals' autonomy and perpetuate harmful stereotypes.
For women*, this means being confined to traditional gender roles that prioritize the needs and wants of others above their own. They are expected to be selfless caregivers and nurturers, sacrificing their own well-being for the sake of maintaining harmony within the family. This can lead to increased stress, burnout, and a lack of self-care, as their own emotional and physical needs are often neglected.
Moreover, the construct of traditional masculinity places immense pressure on men*. They are taught from a young age to suppress their emotions, display toughness, and prioritize their role as providers. During the holiday season, men* may feel the weight of these expectations as they strive to fulfill their role as the family's breadwinner and leader. This pressure can lead to stress, anxiety, and an inability to express emotions authentically.
It is important to understand that the harm caused by these constructs extends to all individuals. While women* bear the brunt of the emotional labor gap, men* also suffer from the limitations imposed by the patriarchal system. They are denied the opportunity to fully express their emotions and engage in nurturing and caregiving activities, hindering their own personal growth and emotional well-being.
It is crucial for us to recognize and challenge these harmful constructs during the holiday season and beyond. We must advocate for gender equity and encourage a more inclusive and equitable division of emotional labor. This involves sharing responsibilities, fostering open communication, and creating space for all individuals to express their emotions and contribute to the well-being of the family unit.
By releasing the constructs of the gender binary and roles perpetuated by the white Christian cis-hetero patriarchy, we can promote a more balanced and compassionate society. This includes dismantling the notion that emotional labor is solely the responsibility of women* and encouraging men* to embrace their emotions and actively participate in caregiving and nurturing activities.
In doing so, we not only alleviate the emotional labor gap but also create an environment that fosters healthier relationships, emotional intelligence, and overall well-being for everyone involved. It is through these collective efforts that we can challenge and dismantle the harmful effects of paternalism and create a more just and equitable society for all.
How does the Christian cis-hetero patriarchal pillar of Paternalism impact men*?
1. Provider Role: Men* are often expected to fulfill the role of the primary provider for their families. This expectation can lead to financial stress and pressure to meet the increased expenses associated with the holiday season, such as purchasing gifts and organizing celebrations. Men* may feel the burden of ensuring their family's happiness and meeting societal expectations of material abundance.
2. Emotional Suppression: Traditional masculine norms dictate that men* should be strong, stoic, and avoid displaying vulnerability or emotions. This can be particularly challenging during the holiday season, which is often associated with expressions of joy and connection. Men* may feel compelled to suppress their emotions and put on a facade of happiness, even if they are experiencing stress, sadness, or other difficult emotions. This emotional suppression can take a toll on their mental health and overall well-being.
3. Limited Role in Caregiving: The expectation that women* should primarily take on caregiving responsibilities during the holiday season can lead to men* being excluded from certain aspects of family and household tasks. This can result in feelings of disconnection, as men* may desire to be more involved in the nurturing and emotional aspects of the holiday season. Restricting men* to traditional gender roles can limit their opportunities for bonding, expressing care, and experiencing the joy of family connections.
4. Social Pressure and Comparison: Men* may also face social pressure and comparison during the holiday season. There can be expectations to present themselves as successful, happy, and in control. This pressure can lead to anxiety, feelings of inadequacy, and a sense of competition. Men* may feel the need to project an image of perfection, both in their personal lives and in their ability to provide for their families.
These societal expectations placed on men during the holiday season can have a significant impact on their emotional well-being. Men may experience stress, anxiety, and a sense of isolation as they try to navigate and fulfill these expectations. The pressure to conform to traditional masculine norms and the limited opportunities for emotional expression and caregiving can hinder their ability to fully engage in the holiday season and experience genuine joy and connection.
How does the Christian cis-hetero patriarchal pillar of Paternalism impact women*?
1. Emotional Labor: Women* often bear the burden of organizing and coordinating holiday celebrations, including planning meals, decorating, and managing family dynamics. The patriarchal pillar of paternalism reinforces the expectation that women* should be responsible for the emotional well-being and happiness of the family during the holidays.
2. Caretaking Responsibilities: Women* are often expected to take on the role of caregivers during the holidays, ensuring that everyone's needs are met and that the household runs smoothly. This includes tasks such as shopping for gifts, preparing meals, and attending to the emotional needs of family members, which can be emotionally and physically exhausting.
3. Managing Family Dynamics: Women* are frequently tasked with managing conflicts or tensions that arise within the family during holiday gatherings. This can involve mediating disputes, maintaining peace, and ensuring that everyone feels included and valued. These responsibilities can be emotionally draining and place an additional burden on women*.
4. Emotional Support: Women* are often expected to provide emotional support and comfort to family members during the holidays. This may involve listening to others' concerns, offering advice, and providing a safe space for loved ones to express their emotions. This emotional labor can be taxing, particularly when combined with other holiday responsibilities.
5. Expectations of Perfection: The patriarchal pillar of paternalism often places unrealistic expectations on women* to create a picture-perfect holiday experience. Women* may feel pressure to create a flawless atmosphere, prepare elaborate meals, and ensure that everyone is happy and content. This can lead to feelings of anxiety and stress, as well as a sense of inadequacy if these expectations are not met.
6. Sacrificing Personal Needs: Women* may find themselves sacrificing their own needs and desires during the holidays in order to meet the expectations of others. This can include neglecting self-care, putting aside personal interests, and prioritizing the happiness of others above their own. The patriarchal pillar of paternalism can reinforce the idea that women's* needs should come last, further exacerbating the emotional toll of holiday responsibilities.
In Conclusion
The existing dynamics of paternalism in male-female* relationships can have a detrimental impact on both individuals and society as a whole. These dynamics perpetuate gender inequalities, limit opportunities for growth and self-expression, and hinder the establishment of truly equal partnerships.
To heal the divide between male-female dynamics of paternalism, individuals and communities need to take action. Here are a few meaningful steps we can collectively undertake:
1. Education and Awareness: Foster a deeper understanding of the harmful effects of paternalism and its impact on gender dynamics. Educate ourselves and others about the importance of equity, respect, and shared decision-making in relationships. By raising awareness, we can challenge and dismantle the underlying beliefs and attitudes that perpetuate paternalistic behaviors.
2. Empowerment and Agency: Encourage individuals, regardless of gender, age or social status to recognize and assert their own agency and autonomy within relationships. Promote open communication, active listening, and mutual respect as foundational elements of healthy partnerships. Encourage both men* and women* to embrace their unique strengths and talents, and to support each other's personal growth and aspirations.
3. Collaboration and Equal Partnership: Foster a culture of collaboration and shared responsibility in relationships. Encourage men* and women* to actively participate in decision-making processes, household chores, parenting responsibilities, and other aspects of daily life. Emphasize the importance of equal contribution and shared power dynamics to build stronger and more fulfilling relationships.
4. Advocacy and Support: Stand up against gender inequalities and patriarchal norms in our personal lives, workplaces, and communities. Advocate for policies and initiatives that promote gender equity and challenge systemic biases. Support organizations and initiatives that work towards dismantling patriarchal structures and empowering individuals to thrive in their relationships.
By taking these actions, we can contribute to healing the divide between male-female* dynamics of paternalism. Let's strive for relationships based on equality, respect, and shared decision-making, where both men* and women* can fully realize their potential and live fulfilling lives. Together, we can create a society that embraces and celebrates the inherent worth and agency of every individual, regardless of gender.
With love and care,
Desiree B Stephens
* women and men in this conversation refer to how one is perceived in a world that adheres to a gender binary