Im tired

Before we begin…

Take a breath.
Not a deep one.
Not a forced one.

Just notice the one that’s already there.

Feel where your body is held
your back, your feet, your hands.

You are allowed to arrive here without performing.

---

I need a break.
And it’s okay for you to need one too.

This morning didn’t come in gently.

It came with the realization that something else I built… something I nurtured… something I poured years of labor, language, and love into… is gone.

My Facebook business page… taken.
My group… taken.

And this is after seven months of fighting for my personal page. Seventeen years of connection. Memory. Community. Gone or stolen or held hostage in a system that never belonged to me in the first place.

And still… we’re expected to show up.

Still… we’re expected to smile.

Still… we’re expected to produce.

---

Let’s tell the truth about what this actually is.

This is not just inconvenience.

This is extraction.

Years of intellectual, emotional, relational labor
built in a space we do not own
can be erased in a moment.

That you turn your loss into content.

And I’m tired.

Not the kind of tired sleep fixes.
BONE tired.
Blue Monday tired.

The kind of tired that comes from
building something meaningful
inside a system that does not know how to value meaning

only visibility.
only production.
only what can be consumed and moved on from.

---

We are in a culture of consumption.

If it’s not me…
there will be someone else.

Another voice.
Another post.
Another “creator.”

And that’s the danger.

Because not everything is content.

Some of us are not here to entertain you.

Some of us are here trying to change the conditions we are all living inside of.

---

And the people doing that work?

• Are underfunded.

• Under-supported.

• Exhausted.

Especially Black women. Especially educators. Especially those of us who refuse to package liberation into something quick, comfortable, and easily digestible.

Because I don’t promise comfort.

I never have.

I promise a different way of relating.

And that is not something you can sell in 30 days.

That is not something you can reduce to a checklist.

That is not something you can hustle.

---

So what happens?

People come in.
They get uncomfortable.
They leave.

And the work?

Still needs to be held.

---

I have tried to make this accessible.

I have bent models.
Lowered barriers.
Created frameworks.
Built spaces.
Rented rooms.
Opened doors.

I have done the work.

And still…
the math isn’t mathing.

---

So I sat down last night and did what this system demands.

I did the numbers.

Not because I want to reduce this work to numbers
but because survival requires it.

And here is the reality:

$20,000 a month.
$240,000 a year.

Not for excess.

For sustainability.

For this work to exist without me breaking myself to hold it together.

---

And this is what that actually looks like, clearly, transparently, without fluff:

Monthly Sustainability Models

Model A (balanced – shared responsibility)

• 300 people × $25 = $7,500

• 150 people × $50 = $7,500

• 50 people × $100 = $5,000
  Total: $20,000 (500 people)

Model B (low barrier – high volume)

• 1,000 people × $10 = $10,000

• 400 people × $25 = $10,000
  Total: $20,000 (1,400 people)

Model C (smaller base – higher capacity)

• 200 people × $50 = $10,000

• 100 people × $100 = $10,000
  Total: $20,000 (300 people)

Model D (community + sponsors)

• 250 people × $25 = $6,250

• 150 people × $50 = $7,500

• 50 people × $100 = $5,000

• 5 people × $250 = $1,250
  Total: $20,000 (455 people)

---

What this funds is not “content.”

This funds:

– Full access to the work (courses, classes, frameworks, community spaces)
– The Healing Homestead as a living, breathing space for gathering, education, food, and care
– Free and low-barrier programming for those who need it most
– Sustainable leadership so this work is not built on burnout
– Infrastructure that outlives me

Because this is the part that needs to be understood:

This is not about paying for access.

This is about funding access — for everyone.

to become one of the few that support the many click here

---

Here’s what I know in my body:

This work should not be locked behind paywalls.

This work should not be reserved for those who can afford it.

This work should exist like a public library.

Accessible.
Available.
Alive.

But libraries are not free.

They are funded.

Sustained.

Protected by people who understand their value.

---

And that’s the question sitting in my chest right now:

Do we value this enough to sustain it—together?

---

Because I can tell you what I won’t do.

I won’t hustle healing.

I won’t water this down.

I won’t package liberation into something that feels good but changes nothing.

I won’t abandon my ethics just to survive a system that was never built for me to thrive in.

---

And I also won’t pretend this isn’t hard.

Because it is.

I am at the edge of personal bills and business bills meeting each other with no buffer.

I am at the edge of asking:

What does sustainability actually look like here?

---

Because yes…
I could walk away.

I could go live my life quietly.

I could stop carrying something that feels this heavy.

But that’s not what I want.

I want this for us.

I want a world where:

Healing isn’t a luxury.
Community isn’t conditional.
Liberation isn’t a brand.

I want something that outlives me.

Something that doesn’t collapse the moment I get tired.

---

And right now?

I’m being honest about where I am.

I’ve hit a wall.

---

Not because the vision isn’t clear.

But because the support is not matching the vision.

---

So as we move into April…

As we move into the Season of Becoming…

I’m not asking for urgency.

I’m not asking for pressure.

I’m asking something much deeper than that.

---

I’m asking:

Where is emergence asking for permission, not pressure?

And what would it look like
for us to answer that—together?

---

Because becoming is not about forcing bloom.

It’s about creating the conditions where bloom can happen.

And right now, the truth is:

The conditions are not sustainable.

Not like this.

---

So today…

I’m not offering a solution.

I’m not tying this up neatly.

I’m not performing resilience.

I’m letting you see the tension.

The truth.

The moment before something shifts.

---

And maybe your reflection is this:

• Where have you been consuming what actually needs sustaining?

• Where have you been witnessing what actually needs supporting?

• Where have you been waiting for something to exist—
  without participating in what it takes for it to live?

---

Take your time with that.

No urgency.

No pressure.

Just noticing.

---

Because this next season?

It’s not about doing more.

It’s about deciding…

what we are willing to hold, together.

In solidarity and liberation,
Desireé B. Stephens
Educator | Counselor | Community Builder
Founder, Make Shi(f)t Happen
Writer of Liberation Education
Steward of Selenite & Sage Healing Homestead Co.
Where Reflection Meets Transformation