As a daughter who had to go no-contact and is now low-contact with my mom, this made me tear up. The way you can see the issue of compatibility—I hope things work out for you and your daughter. I hope she gives you the chance to make amends. The fact that you’ve used this experience to heal and create your wonderful programs is impressive.
One of my favorite parenting books is Robert Mackenzie’s Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child. He goes over temperament and fit between parent and child, how they can cause clashes or favoritism.
It’s important to realize that someone can try their best, but it can still be a poor fit. And of course, your daughter had another parent. Sometimes as children we blame the wrong parent.
I hope to be able to see things clearly like you’ve written if my kids end up having problems with me. We’re still all kind of stuck together.
I’m disabled and used to having to prove I’m not a burden, so I try to do my daughter’s laundry or cook her food—and she takes it to mean I don’t think she CAN do it! I refuse to ask her for help—that probably makes her feel I don’t trust her.
I guess we just have to keep talking. Thank you! 🥰
Thank you for this. Also I found that book to be pretty damn good. I hope your relationship with your mom meets your needs and continues to grow, I wish those things for my own child and I.
As someone who is estranged from their mother and does not hold hope for reconciliation this really resonates. Our relationship shapes my parenting and is a constant reminder that my children do not owe me their presence or mine in their life. Sitting in the messy part of admitting my mistakes and faults and honoring their experience is really fucking hard.
Holding you in my thoughts. So much complexity and tenderness. I hope that your capacity for self reflection will one day bring you both peace and reconciliation ❤️❤️
This is so beautiful and so incredibly honest. Because it’s so personal, I feel a little hesitant to respond & don’t want to overstep or cause harm. Your sharing feels so big and so sacred. You offer your readers sooo much of yourself, your labor, your wisdom, your intellect, and your precious spirit and heart. Such a level of deep vulnerability (after sharing your history that required consistent toughness), seems to deserve some reciprocity.
So, on that note, I truly find this piece to be one of the most courageous and tender writings I’ve ever seen. People lose their children for a multitude of reasons. While it appears to be a surrender process here, it’s got to be a very painful reason for distance and loss.
And I don’t know what the systemic detail causes are in your case, it’s not for me to say. However, so many young Moms parenting almost or entirely alone or in isolation seems pretty damn systemic. We are so broken up and on our own in Empire. Moms, the life givers are blamed for everything. Everything.
I’m presently in a very life giving divorce & abuse recovery group. I see this shared experience of women’s isolation and blame carrying for all the woes of parenting up close and in color. Everywhere I look in society Moms are exhausted and alone. “All the lonely people.”The family courts are simply an avenue to profit in the abuse and trade of women and children as property. (Some won’t like that statement, though in connecting with others, these themes are broad, oppressive, and undeniable). It’s always all her fault. She can never be “good enough.” Never. If she drowns she’s not a witch. Wtaf are we doing?
Ok, I’ve written too much and will end with this. It’s not all your fault. And it takes some big courage to own harm caused or perceived or felt, even if it’s not all your fault. It’s not all your fault. Your first baby has free will. I hope she is safe. I hope you reconcile one day. I hope you both find peace.
As always, thank you for sharing your generous work and heart.
Thank you for your vulnerability. It is beautiful to witness the internal work you have done to hold this story with tenderness and accountability, without shame.
I ask this in compassion mate curiosity and sincere intention - considering where your relationship is at with your daughter, I’m wondering if you have her permission to share photos of her here alongside this story?
I hear you and I respect that. What I don’t feel I can share is her current pictures. This is my story as well and if she were to tell it and share my pictures even as the villain, they would be hers to share.
I really strongly disagree with that and invite you to reflect more with some trusted people who love you. You don’t owe me an explanation and I don’t need one - the spirit this is meant in is in love and invitation so feel free to leave it if it doesn’t resonate. Wishing you the best
Thank you so very much. I'm absolutely crying with many emotions. It's a genuine thank you.
Had I been brave enough to read the whole thing when you first wrote it, I may have been able to wish you and your daughter all the best of love.
However I started to read it, found it incredibly painful, and couldn't face all of it. But then I spent weeks with it at the back of my mind. I've just come back to finish it, knowing it would hurt but knowing I really needed to come back.
Your story is so similar to mine. My parents are on the cusp of silent generation/boomer. I was harmed. I therefore harmed. I have some kind of relationship with my eldest (now 34 yrs) but we both acknowledge that I did cause harm.
You are helping me so much with your wisdom, your empathy and the way you don't avoid difficult subjects.
I've been harbouring much shame alongside my acknowledgement of harm. I have been thinking about how terrible a mother I was to my first child. Simultaneously feeling guilt that my second and last child benefited from my first experience of motherhood.
Whenever friend say how well I handled a parenting situation with second child, I feel terrible because it's not how I did it with first child. I do it to myself when I know I did something well or appropriate.
It would have been so much better if I had been able to finish your post, because of the healing things you wrote. Something about simultaneously being a good person and still causing harm.
I don't think I viewed it that way for myself. Only others had that luxury. I don't know if I am ready to embrace that fully for myself yet, but I will work on that.
I will re-read this a few times.
This has been better than the years of therapy I have had for this particular subject.
When I have some more money, I do wish to pay you or subscribe. (This is Zawn's positive influence of paying women for their work). What you do is valuable, but I want to say an extra special thank you for having some of your work accessible for those who aren't always in a position to pay.
So yes, I would like to wish you and your daughter all the best.
Thank you for your brutal honesty. I am so grateful that you wrote this and that you have learned so much about yourself and other people.
When I have finished crying, I will then brush myself down, and get on with my day, to revisit this another time.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I appreciate your words as I navigate raising my 11 year old. Recently she gave me some feedback and I am proud to say I was able (maybe for the first time ever) to accept her viewpoint without defensiveness. I was grateful she can be honest with me and I am open to change. We try to keep awkward conversations on the table at all times. Wishing you and your daughter peace and clarity.
As a daughter who had to go no-contact and is now low-contact with my mom, this made me tear up. The way you can see the issue of compatibility—I hope things work out for you and your daughter. I hope she gives you the chance to make amends. The fact that you’ve used this experience to heal and create your wonderful programs is impressive.
One of my favorite parenting books is Robert Mackenzie’s Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child. He goes over temperament and fit between parent and child, how they can cause clashes or favoritism.
It’s important to realize that someone can try their best, but it can still be a poor fit. And of course, your daughter had another parent. Sometimes as children we blame the wrong parent.
I hope to be able to see things clearly like you’ve written if my kids end up having problems with me. We’re still all kind of stuck together.
I’m disabled and used to having to prove I’m not a burden, so I try to do my daughter’s laundry or cook her food—and she takes it to mean I don’t think she CAN do it! I refuse to ask her for help—that probably makes her feel I don’t trust her.
I guess we just have to keep talking. Thank you! 🥰
Thank you for this. Also I found that book to be pretty damn good. I hope your relationship with your mom meets your needs and continues to grow, I wish those things for my own child and I.
As someone who is estranged from their mother and does not hold hope for reconciliation this really resonates. Our relationship shapes my parenting and is a constant reminder that my children do not owe me their presence or mine in their life. Sitting in the messy part of admitting my mistakes and faults and honoring their experience is really fucking hard.
So fucking hard, but very necessary. I’m glad you choose you and are doing what you feel is best in your parenting journey
Holding you in my thoughts. So much complexity and tenderness. I hope that your capacity for self reflection will one day bring you both peace and reconciliation ❤️❤️
I love you my dear friend THANK YOU!
This is so beautiful and so incredibly honest. Because it’s so personal, I feel a little hesitant to respond & don’t want to overstep or cause harm. Your sharing feels so big and so sacred. You offer your readers sooo much of yourself, your labor, your wisdom, your intellect, and your precious spirit and heart. Such a level of deep vulnerability (after sharing your history that required consistent toughness), seems to deserve some reciprocity.
So, on that note, I truly find this piece to be one of the most courageous and tender writings I’ve ever seen. People lose their children for a multitude of reasons. While it appears to be a surrender process here, it’s got to be a very painful reason for distance and loss.
And I don’t know what the systemic detail causes are in your case, it’s not for me to say. However, so many young Moms parenting almost or entirely alone or in isolation seems pretty damn systemic. We are so broken up and on our own in Empire. Moms, the life givers are blamed for everything. Everything.
I’m presently in a very life giving divorce & abuse recovery group. I see this shared experience of women’s isolation and blame carrying for all the woes of parenting up close and in color. Everywhere I look in society Moms are exhausted and alone. “All the lonely people.”The family courts are simply an avenue to profit in the abuse and trade of women and children as property. (Some won’t like that statement, though in connecting with others, these themes are broad, oppressive, and undeniable). It’s always all her fault. She can never be “good enough.” Never. If she drowns she’s not a witch. Wtaf are we doing?
Ok, I’ve written too much and will end with this. It’s not all your fault. And it takes some big courage to own harm caused or perceived or felt, even if it’s not all your fault. It’s not all your fault. Your first baby has free will. I hope she is safe. I hope you reconcile one day. I hope you both find peace.
As always, thank you for sharing your generous work and heart.
Thank you for all of this ❤️
Thank you.
Always
Thank you for your vulnerability. It is beautiful to witness the internal work you have done to hold this story with tenderness and accountability, without shame.
I ask this in compassion mate curiosity and sincere intention - considering where your relationship is at with your daughter, I’m wondering if you have her permission to share photos of her here alongside this story?
I hear you and I respect that. What I don’t feel I can share is her current pictures. This is my story as well and if she were to tell it and share my pictures even as the villain, they would be hers to share.
I really strongly disagree with that and invite you to reflect more with some trusted people who love you. You don’t owe me an explanation and I don’t need one - the spirit this is meant in is in love and invitation so feel free to leave it if it doesn’t resonate. Wishing you the best
Thank you
Thank you.
❤️
Thank you so very much. I'm absolutely crying with many emotions. It's a genuine thank you.
Had I been brave enough to read the whole thing when you first wrote it, I may have been able to wish you and your daughter all the best of love.
However I started to read it, found it incredibly painful, and couldn't face all of it. But then I spent weeks with it at the back of my mind. I've just come back to finish it, knowing it would hurt but knowing I really needed to come back.
Your story is so similar to mine. My parents are on the cusp of silent generation/boomer. I was harmed. I therefore harmed. I have some kind of relationship with my eldest (now 34 yrs) but we both acknowledge that I did cause harm.
You are helping me so much with your wisdom, your empathy and the way you don't avoid difficult subjects.
I've been harbouring much shame alongside my acknowledgement of harm. I have been thinking about how terrible a mother I was to my first child. Simultaneously feeling guilt that my second and last child benefited from my first experience of motherhood.
Whenever friend say how well I handled a parenting situation with second child, I feel terrible because it's not how I did it with first child. I do it to myself when I know I did something well or appropriate.
It would have been so much better if I had been able to finish your post, because of the healing things you wrote. Something about simultaneously being a good person and still causing harm.
I don't think I viewed it that way for myself. Only others had that luxury. I don't know if I am ready to embrace that fully for myself yet, but I will work on that.
I will re-read this a few times.
This has been better than the years of therapy I have had for this particular subject.
When I have some more money, I do wish to pay you or subscribe. (This is Zawn's positive influence of paying women for their work). What you do is valuable, but I want to say an extra special thank you for having some of your work accessible for those who aren't always in a position to pay.
So yes, I would like to wish you and your daughter all the best.
Thank you for your brutal honesty. I am so grateful that you wrote this and that you have learned so much about yourself and other people.
When I have finished crying, I will then brush myself down, and get on with my day, to revisit this another time.
Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I appreciate your words as I navigate raising my 11 year old. Recently she gave me some feedback and I am proud to say I was able (maybe for the first time ever) to accept her viewpoint without defensiveness. I was grateful she can be honest with me and I am open to change. We try to keep awkward conversations on the table at all times. Wishing you and your daughter peace and clarity.