Parenting Young Adults: Trusting the Path to Autonomy and Growth
Letting Go of Control, Embracing Trust: Healing Relationships and Building Lifelong Connection
Introduction:
First, take a moment to congratulate yourself on the journey you’ve taken so far. Parenting isn’t easy—whether you’ve been reading this series from the start or just joined along the way, you’ve committed to doing the hard, transformative work of decolonizing your parenting practices. You’ve shown dedication to building relationships rooted in respect, collaboration, and liberation. Now, as we enter this final phase of parenting young adults, it’s time to shift again, embracing a role of guidance while trusting in the foundation you’ve built.
Parenting young adults is a unique stage—it’s a time to transition from caregiving to a supportive role, offering help without replicating old power dynamics. This stage requires letting go of control, trusting your child’s journey, and understanding that letting go is an act of love, trust, and mutual respect. It’s about offering your young adult the space to grow into themselves while still being a part of their support system, free from the power imbalances of earlier years.
Reimagining Your Role: Shifting From Caregiver to Guide
For nearly two decades, your role has likely been one of caretaking, guiding, and decision-making—a position where you’ve shaped and influenced many aspects of your child’s life. As they step into adulthood, that role shifts. Young adults are eager to define their own lives, and your job is no longer to lead but to stand alongside them. This transition can feel challenging, especially if your sense of purpose has been deeply tied to caregiving.
However, this shift doesn’t mean letting go entirely; it’s about evolving from being the one who sets the rules to being the one who offers guidance, support, and respect. In doing so, you cultivate a mutual relationship where both you and your child can continue to grow, no longer bound by the power dynamics that once existed.
Dismantling the Pillars: Power Hoarding, Right to Comfort, and Paternalism
Power Hoarding: Letting Go of Control
One of the greatest challenges in parenting young adults is the need to relinquish control. Power hoarding is the instinct to maintain authority, especially during times of uncertainty. However, as your child steps into adulthood, clinging to control will only damage trust and create distance. The more we hold onto power, the more we disempower our children from learning to trust their own instincts.
Reframing Power:
Instead of seeing your role as one of maintaining authority, consider it as one of empowerment. Trust your child to make decisions, knowing that you’ve provided them with the tools they need. Let go of the fear that you must control every outcome to ensure their success.
Actionable Step:
When your young adult comes to you for advice, resist the urge to “fix” or solve the problem for them. Instead, ask: How do you feel about this decision? What direction are you leaning toward? This encourages them to tap into their own inner guidance while still feeling supported by you.
Right to Comfort: Embracing Discomfort for Growth
Letting go of control can feel deeply uncomfortable, especially if you’re used to having a hands-on role in your child’s life. The right to comfort is a pillar of supremacy culture that tells us to prioritize emotional ease and avoid discomfort at all costs. However, discomfort is a natural part of growth—for both you and your young adult.
Reframing Discomfort:
When your child makes choices that you might not agree with or that challenge your beliefs, see these moments as opportunities for both of you to grow. Discomfort is a signal that you are stepping outside the bounds of control and into a space of trust and mutual respect.
Actionable Step:
Instead of avoiding conversations that feel difficult, lean into them with curiosity. Ask your young adult questions like: What do you think this experience is teaching you? or How do you feel about the decisions you’ve made? This approach creates space for them to reflect and grow without feeling judged.
Paternalism: Collaboration Over Authority
Paternalism is the belief that you know best, which can manifest in subtle ways even as your child reaches adulthood. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that because you’ve lived longer, you automatically know better. But your young adult is forging their own path, and they need to make choices—both right and wrong—so they can learn from them.
Reframing Paternalism:
Instead of offering unsolicited advice or trying to steer their decisions, practice collaborative conversation. Ask them how you can support them in their journey, and trust that they have the wisdom to navigate their own life.
Actionable Step:
The next time your child shares something personal, respond with: What do you think you need from me in this moment? How can I support you? This shifts the dynamic from parent-as-authority to parent-as-support, building mutual respect and connection.
Repairing the Past: It’s Never Too Late to Make a Different Choice
For many of us, we may be at this stage of parenting young adults having raised our children in a more controlling, colonial model of parenting. Perhaps you’ve relied on authoritarian approaches or believed that maintaining control was the only way to ensure your child’s safety. The beauty of this journey is that it’s never too late to make a change.
Right now, you can choose a different path—one that is rooted in trust, collaboration, and mutual respect. This requires humility, accountability, and, most importantly, a willingness to repair any harm caused by previous parenting practices.
Apologizing and Making Repair:
Be honest with your young adult about the ways you may have parented out of fear or control. Taking accountability for past actions allows both of you to heal.
Offer an apology that opens the door for dialogue. You might say something like: I realize now that there were times when I tried to control your decisions instead of supporting you. I want to do things differently moving forward. How can we rebuild trust?
Repair is a powerful act of love and healing. It shows your child that you’re willing to grow alongside them and that you’re committed to building a relationship based on respect and trust.
Healing Focus: Letting Go as an Act of Trust
Letting go of control, power, and comfort is not about giving up on your relationship with your child—it’s about trusting the foundation you’ve built together. This stage of parenting asks you to let go of old patterns and step into a relationship built on mutual respect, trust, and collaboration. This isn’t easy work. It often requires you to confront fears about losing your role as a parent and stepping into the unknown.
Reflection Tip:
Ask yourself:
What fears come up for me when I think about letting go of control?
How can I embrace discomfort and trust my child’s ability to make decisions?
By letting go, you aren’t relinquishing your importance in your child’s life—you’re transforming the way you relate to one another. This shift opens the door for lifelong connection, where your young adult knows they can turn to you not for answers, but for support, love, and wisdom.
Conclusion: Trusting the Journey, Embracing Growth
Parenting young adults is as much about your own growth and healing as it is about supporting theirs. By dismantling the pillars of power hoarding, right to comfort, and paternalism, you create a relationship built on trust, respect, and mutual growth. This transition isn’t about stepping away from your child’s life, but rather stepping into a new role where collaboration replaces control, and support replaces authority.
If you’re just beginning to shift toward a decolonized approach, know that it’s never too late to repair and make a different choice. Healing is an ongoing process, and every conversation you have with your young adult is a new opportunity to break generational cycles and build a foundation of respect and liberation.
As you navigate this phase, remember that letting go is an act of love. It shows your child that you trust them to forge their own path, and it allows you to embrace a future relationship built on connection rather than control.
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