Recognizing Generational Trauma in Parenting: A Path Toward Healing and Liberation

Understanding Colonial Legacies and Dismantling Oppressive Practices for a More Inclusive Future

Introduction

Parenting is more than a personal journey; it is deeply intertwined with our histories, cultures, and collective traumas. Colonial legacies have profoundly shaped how we parent, embedding practices rooted in control, fear, and obedience. To move towards decolonization and liberation in our parenting, we must first recognize how these colonial practices perpetuate generational trauma and cycles of oppression. Understanding this impact is crucial for fostering healing and creating a nurturing environment for future generations.

Key Themes: The Psychological Impact of Oppressive Parenting Practices

1. Colonial Legacies and Generational Trauma:
   Colonialism imposed severe trauma on colonized peoples, from the violence of enslavement and forced assimilation to the loss of cultural identity and autonomy. These experiences have left deep psychological scars that continue to influence parenting practices today. Parenting approaches that emphasize control, punishment, and strict obedience are often inherited from these colonial frameworks, designed to maintain order and prevent rebellion among oppressed communities.

2. Understanding the Cycle of Trauma:
   Trauma, particularly when experienced over generations, creates cycles of oppression and pain. Parents who have internalized colonial mindsets might unwittingly replicate these oppressive dynamics in their own homes, passing down not only behaviors but also fears, anxieties, and restrictive worldviews. This cycle of trauma is perpetuated when parents, themselves shaped by these oppressive structures, unconsciously impose similar patterns on their children.

3. Psychological Impact on Children and Families:
   The impact of such parenting practices is profound. Children raised in environments dominated by control and fear may struggle with issues of self-worth, identity, and emotional regulation. They may learn to suppress their feelings, conform to expectations, and internalize a sense of inferiority or inadequacy. These psychological wounds can carry forward into adulthood, influencing how they, in turn, parent their children, thus perpetuating the cycle of trauma.

Dismantling the Pillars of Supremacy Culture in Parenting

To truly break free from the cycles of generational trauma, we must dismantle the pillars of supremacy culture that underpin many of these harmful parenting practices. These pillars uphold systems of control and oppression, often manifesting in how we interact with our children. Here’s how five key pillars play a role in perpetuating trauma, and what we can do to dismantle them:

1. Perfectionism:
   Perfectionism instills the belief that there is a 'right' way to behave and that anything less is unacceptable. In parenting, this can manifest as unrealistic expectations for children to perform or behave perfectly, leading to harsh criticism and punishment when they fail to meet these standards. To dismantle this pillar, practice self-compassion and extend the same grace to your children. Encourage a mindset of growth and learning rather than punishment for mistakes.

2. Either/Or Thinking:
   This binary mindset forces us to see things as either good or bad, right or wrong, without room for nuance or understanding. In parenting, either/or thinking can lead to harsh discipline and an inability to understand children’s behaviors as part of their developmental journey. Instead, embrace complexity and curiosity. Allow your children the space to explore their emotions and make mistakes without fear of being labeled as ‘bad.’

3. Paternalism:
   Paternalism implies that those in power (parents) know best and must guide and control those who are seen as incapable (children). This diminishes children’s autonomy and ability to make decisions. To dismantle paternalism, empower your children by involving them in decision-making processes and respecting their voices. Teach them to think critically and understand the consequences of their choices.

4. Power Hoarding:
   This pillar involves keeping control and decision-making power in the hands of a few, often out of fear of losing authority. In parenting, this shows up as maintaining strict control over all aspects of a child's life. To break this cycle, share power with your children. Encourage them to express their needs and desires and consider these when making family decisions. This helps them learn accountability and autonomy.

5. Fear of Open Conflict:
   Supremacy culture often avoids open conflict, fearing it will lead to loss of control or chaos. In parenting, this can mean avoiding tough conversations about feelings, mistakes, or family dynamics. Instead, foster an environment where open dialogue is encouraged. Teach your children that conflict can be healthy and is an opportunity for growth and deeper understanding.

Connection to Whole Self-Healing: Breaking the Cycles of Oppression

Breaking these cycles requires a holistic approach that recognizes the interconnectedness of mind, body, and spirit. Whole self-healing is a path toward breaking these intergenerational patterns, fostering self-awareness, and healing wounds that have been passed down through generations.

1. Recognizing and Acknowledging Trauma:
   The first step in whole self-healing is to recognize and acknowledge the trauma that exists within us and our families. This means understanding that our fears, anxieties, and even our parenting practices may be deeply rooted in the generational trauma of colonialism. Acknowledgment is a powerful act of liberation, as it allows us to see these patterns not as personal failings but as inherited burdens that we have the power to change.

2. Fostering Self-Awareness in Parenting:
   Decolonizing our parenting involves becoming more self-aware of our own triggers and behaviors. This requires a commitment to introspection and mindfulness, paying attention to how past traumas may be influencing our reactions to our children. For example, when we feel compelled to discipline harshly or react out of fear, we must ask ourselves: Is this response truly about my child, or is it about my own unresolved trauma?

3. Practices for Whole Self-Healing in Parenting:

   • Mindful Parenting: Engage in practices that bring awareness to your parenting choices. This could include meditation, journaling, or simply taking a moment to breathe and reflect before responding to a child’s behavior.

   • Healing Through Connection: Build a supportive community of parents who are also on the journey of decolonization and whole self-healing. Sharing experiences and strategies can help create a collective path forward, one that is grounded in empathy and understanding.

   • Embracing Ancestral Wisdom and Cultural Practices: Reconnect with cultural traditions that promote healing and community. This might involve storytelling, music, spiritual practices, or rituals that honor your ancestors and cultural heritage, providing a sense of belonging and strength.

4. Creating Healing Environments for Children:

   • Encouraging Emotional Expression: Foster an environment where children feel safe to express their emotions and thoughts without fear of punishment or judgment. This helps break the cycle of silence and repression that often accompanies generational trauma.

   • Teaching Critical Thinking and Empathy: Encourage children to question and think critically about the world around them. This not only fosters their development as independent thinkers but also helps them develop empathy and understanding for others.

My Journey to Decolonizing My Parenting

Parenting has been a journey of profound learning and unlearning for me. I became a mother for the first time as a teenager, poor, undereducated, and fearful of a system that seemed poised to take my child away at any moment. My fear wasn't just rooted in race; it was layered with the realities of my socioeconomic status, my age, and the constant threat of external judgment. I was terrified that if my daughter fell in a park, I’d be blamed, and child services could come knocking. I feared that my then-mother-in-law, who had used the system against me in the past, could take her away simply because she had more resources—money, a stable marriage—things I didn’t have before marrying her son.

At that time, I was also navigating my faith as an actively practicing Catholic. Religious fear and expectations added another layer to the already complex landscape of my young motherhood. My brain was still developing, and I was surrounded by external pressures, from poverty to social expectations. Without the space or ability to think critically, my parenting was performative. I parented from a place of what I thought was right, what I thought was expected, what I thought would keep my daughter safe.

When my then-husband joined the military, the rules and performance demands increased. The structure became even more rigid, and by the time my brain was fully developed, my daughter was 8, and I was ready for a divorce. We were not aligned in many ways, and eventually, I did leave. This decision allowed me to flourish and grow, but it came at a cost to my daughter, who was now a preteen and needed me to be more present for her needs.

Looking back, I realize that I parented from my own needs. I provided her with what I needed as a child, projecting my fears and desires onto her, which in turn ignored her unique needs. I didn’t see her fully; I saw her through the lens of my own unhealed wounds. It’s a painful realization, one that has led to estrangement with my eldest. Yet, this loss has been a profound teacher, guiding me toward a different way of parenting my three children at home now.

Children should be centered in their own raising because they know what they need most. They know the world they are living in and the one they are creating. When we parent from a colonized or Christianized mindset, we parent from our world and our experiences, ignoring the child right in front of us. This learning took me the loss of my eldest, but it also opened the door for a new way of being with my younger children.

Now, with a fully developed brain, more stability in my life, and a deeper understanding of who I am and who they are, I see my children as individuals, not as a group to herd and raise like cattle that will produce something for me one day. They are not here to fulfill my needs or complete my journey; they are on their own paths, and it is my privilege to guide them, not dictate their steps.

Children will make you evolve if you allow them to lead and simply enjoy the privilege of being their guide. My journey with my eldest taught me this truth in the hardest way, but it has also given me the strength and wisdom to parent differently now. I am committed to raising my children in a way that centers them, respects their autonomy, and honors the world they are creating.

Moving Toward Liberation in Parenting

Decolonizing parenting means moving beyond fear-based approaches to foster environments that promote liberation and healing for both parents and children. It involves raising children who are resilient, empathetic, and capable of critical thought, unburdened by the traumas of the past.

1. Empowering Children and Ourselves:
   Liberation starts with recognizing our own power to change. By engaging in whole self-healing, we empower ourselves to break free from the colonial legacies that have shaped us. In turn, we empower our children to grow up in environments that support their full humanity.

2. Healing as a Collective Journey:
   True decolonization is a communal effort. As we work to heal ourselves, we must also engage with our communities to support collective healing. This involves creating spaces where stories can be shared, wisdom exchanged, and healing practices fostered. Together, we can break the cycles of trauma and build a future rooted in justice, equity, and liberation.

Invitation to Download the Ebook and Stay Tuned

As we continue this powerful series on "Decolonizing Your Parenting," I invite you to dive deeper into these topics with my ebook, which provides more detailed strategies and insights on healing generational trauma and fostering liberation in your family. Your journey toward decolonized parenting is part of a larger collective movement for healing and liberation, and I’m excited to share more tools and reflections with you.

Download my ebook today and stay tuned for more articles in this series as we explore practical strategies for fostering resilience and emotional intelligence in children, building inclusive and equitable environments at home, and much more.

Resources for Further Learning

1. Books:

   • "My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies" by Resmaa Menakem

   • "It Didn’t Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle" by Mark Wolynn

Conclusion and Next Steps

In our next article, we’ll explore practical strategies for fostering resilience and emotional intelligence in children, focusing on how we can build inclusive and equitable environments at home. Continue with us on this journey towards decolonization, healing, and liberation for all.

In healing and liberation,

Desireé B Stephens