Mother's Day is a day filled with flowers, cards, and celebrations for many. However, for others, it can be a complex time laden with grief. As a decolonization educator and counselor, it's essential to explore the layered experiences of Mother's Day, particularly for those who may find it challenging due to the loss of a mother, strained maternal relationships, or cultural and historical grievances.
Balancing the complex emotions of joy and grief during Mother's Day can be particularly challenging for those holding multiple identities or experiencing varied familial situations. This day can evoke a spectrum of feelings, especially for individuals navigating the absence of a mother, dealing with infertility or miscarriage, managing estrangement, or embracing a trans identity as well as those navigating the complexities of divorce or separation, Mother's Day might also surface mixed emotions about changing family dynamics, highlighting the need for gentle self-care and open communication with loved ones. Here’s how to approach these diverse experiences:
Understanding the Grief of Mother's Day
Mother's Day, as widely celebrated, often upholds conventional narratives of family and motherhood that do not resonate with everyone. For some, this day amplifies feelings of loss, absence, or historical traumas tied to colonization, which disrupted indigenous family structures and imposed new societal norms. Recognizing this grief is not just about acknowledging pain but understanding the broader cultural and historical contexts that shape these experiences.
Holding Space for Self and Others
Holding space means allowing oneself and others to experience and express emotions without judgment or imposition. Here's how we can practice this, especially around sensitive times like Mother's Day:
Create Inclusive Narratives: As community members and supporters, it's important to recognize and validate the diverse experiences of motherhood and loss. This includes sharing stories and creating spaces where different narratives around motherhood—such as adoptive, foster, step, and bereaved mothers—can be expressed and honored.
Foster Community Support: Organize or participate in gatherings, virtual or in-person, where individuals can share their feelings and experiences related to Mother's Day. These can be structured as support groups, storytelling sessions, or healing circles that acknowledge both the joy and pain associated with the day.
Encourage Personal Rituals: Guide those grieving to develop personal rituals that honor their feelings or memories in a way that feels authentic to them. This might involve activities like visiting a meaningful place, creating art, or writing letters to their mother or about their experience.
Embracing Multiple Identities on Mother’s Day
1. Acknowledging All Parts of the Experience: It's important to recognize that individuals can feel joy, sadness, loss, and hope all at once. (multiple truths exist) For example, a person who is a mother but has also experienced miscarriage might feel a profound sense of loss alongside the joy of being with their living children. Similarly, trans individuals who are mothers may face unique challenges in how they are perceived or celebrated. Acknowledging the full range of emotions allows for a more authentic experience of the day. Roxy Sewell is an amazing writer that shares her journey of infertility, child loss and celebration of her new baby boy. Her perspective is beautiful and you can find her here.
2. Creating New Traditions: For many, traditional celebrations do not capture the complexities of the varied experiences of motherhood. Creating new traditions can provide a way to honor all aspects of one's identity and experiences. This might involve combining remembrance with celebration, such as holding a special meal in honor of a mother who has passed while also celebrating the role of present maternal figures in their lives.
3. Sharing Stories and Experiences: Encouraging open discussions about the varied experiences of Mother’s Day can foster understanding and support within communities. Sharing stories of infertility, miscarriage, or estrangement can help lessen feelings of isolation and build connections with others who share similar experiences.
Practical Advice for Balancing Joy and Grief
1. Plan for a Range of Emotions: It’s helpful to anticipate and accept that emotions may fluctuate throughout the day. Planning can involve setting aside time for both celebration and reflection, which might mean participating in a joyful activity with children in the morning and visiting a reflective, quiet place in the afternoon, or vice versa.
2. Connect with Like-minded Communities: Finding support groups or communities that understand and share similar experiences can provide comfort and validation. These might be online groups, local support meetings, or informal gatherings with friends who share similar backgrounds and experiences.
3. Professional Guidance: Engaging with therapists or counselors who specialize in grief, infertility, family counseling, divorce or LGBTQ+ issues can provide crucial support. These professionals can offer strategies to handle emotional challenges, especially when balancing personal grief with the joy of others.
Practical Tips for Navigating Mother's Day
For those facing grief, here are three practical tips to help manage the emotional challenges of Mother's Day:
Self-Care Planning: Encourage those struggling with the day to plan a self-care routine that helps them cope with their emotions. This might include activities like meditation, spending time in nature, or engaging in a hobby that brings joy and relaxation.
Setting Boundaries: It's okay to say no to events or activities that feel overwhelming. (I can NOT express this enough) Empower individuals to set boundaries around their participation in Mother's Day celebrations, and to communicate these boundaries with friends and family who may not be aware of their feelings.
Seek Professional Support: Sometimes, professional help can be crucial in managing grief. Encouraging those who are struggling to seek support from counselors or therapists who specialize in grief counseling can provide them with the tools and space to process their emotions in a healthy way. I highly recommend Stephanie Rodriguez of Embracing Your Grief.
Conclusion
By redefining how we approach Mother's Day, especially through a decolonization lens, we can better support those for whom the day brings significant emotional challenges. It's about shifting from a one-size-fits-all celebration to a more inclusive recognition of all maternal experiences, encompassing joy, loss, and everything in between. This Mother's Day, let's commit to holding space for all narratives, fostering a community of support and understanding that honors every individual's journey with motherhood and loss.
As always with love and care,
Desireé B Stephens