The School Years: Fostering Curiosity and Autonomy in a System of Control

How Supremacy Culture Shapes Education and What We Can Do to Raise Emotionally Whole, Curious, and Independent Thinkers

Introduction:

As parents and educators navigating the pressures of capitalism, it can often feel difficult to see the proverbial forest for the trees. We’re surrounded by rigid expectations, performance demands, and systems that prioritize compliance and productivity over individuality and emotional well-being. It’s understandable to feel overwhelmed by the task of breaking free from these entrenched systems.

But if we want to heal generationally, we must begin to lay the foundation for the world we want to see. We cannot wait for systems to change on their own—we need to build parallel systems that allow us to raise whole, liberated children even within the structures of capitalism and supremacy culture.

This series is meant to provide guidance on how to create those parallel systems. As we engage in the work of decolonized parenting, we must also recognize the harm these rigid, control-based systems cause not only to our children, but to the family structure as a whole. When we demand conformity, perfectionism, and compliance from our children, we are not only limiting their development—we are reinforcing the very systems that oppress us all.

Educators are also key players in this conversation. The school system is often where many of these rigid expectations first take root in our children’s lives. But teachers and caregivers can be partners in this work, helping to foster curiosity, validate emotions, and create environments where children feel safe to express themselves fully.

By building parallel systems—both in our homes and in our schools—we can begin to dismantle the control-based structures that shape our world while offering our children the chance to thrive as their whole, authentic selves.

The School Years: Socialization, Education, and Identity Formation (Ages 6-12)

As children enter the school system, they begin to navigate a new world of socialization, education, and identity formation. This period is crucial for their development, not only academically but emotionally and socially as well. But within this world lies the pervasive influence of supremacy culture, which subtly, and sometimes overtly, prioritizes conformity, control, and competition over curiosity, emotional intelligence, and individuality.

As parents, caregivers, and educators committed to decolonized parenting, it’s essential that we challenge these systems, especially in the context of formal education. How can we encourage our children’s curiosity and validate their emotions while helping them dismantle conformity-driven norms? How can we counteract the legacy of supremacy culture in education while supporting our children’s growth and identity?

Supremacy Culture in Education: What’s at Stake

Supremacy culture thrives in education by upholding the ideas of perfectionism, power hoarding, and a fear of conflict. These pillars are deeply embedded in the very foundation of schooling:

• Perfectionism: Children are taught to strive for perfection—whether it’s through grades, behavior, or achievements. The fear of making mistakes becomes ingrained early, leading children to believe that success is defined by external validation rather than the process of learning and growth.

• Power Hoarding: Schools often operate under a strict hierarchy—teachers hold authority, and students are expected to comply. This power dynamic doesn’t leave much room for children to challenge ideas, question authority, or engage in true critical thinking. Their voices are minimized, and their autonomy is often ignored.

• Fear of Conflict: Conflict is typically discouraged in schools, and when it does arise, it is seen as a problem that needs to be swiftly shut down. Children are rarely given the tools to work through disagreements or difficult conversations, which leaves them ill-equipped to handle conflict as they grow older.

For children, these experiences shape not just how they see the world, but how they see themselves. In school, they may internalize the belief that they are only as valuable as their performance, that their worth is tied to compliance, and that avoiding conflict is the safest route.

Personal Reflections on School Experiences

I was a hyperlexic child, meaning I developed reading skills at an early age and tested out of statewide tests by the time I was 6. My curiosity was boundless, and I constantly asked, “Why?”—not out of defiance, but because I genuinely wanted to understand how things worked. I was also diagnosed with ADD and placed on Ritalin, which meant that while I was pushed forward academically through gifted programs and grade-skipping, my emotional and social needs were largely ignored.

I was labeled a “problem child” because I was bored, talked too much, and challenged authority. Those traits that were condemned at the time are the very traits that benefit me now. Imagine if those characteristics—curiosity, a questioning nature, and a need for engagement—had been nurtured instead of stifled? How different my educational experience might have been. And what if children today didn’t have to face that same rigidity? What if we created spaces for their curiosity and individuality to flourish rather than trying to mold them into compliance?

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Encouraging Curiosity and Validating Emotions: Breaking Free from Conformity

As parents, we have a unique opportunity to counteract these messages by encouraging curiosity and validating our children’s emotions. These simple yet profound actions create an environment where children can explore who they are, without fear of judgment or the need to conform.

1. Encouraging Curiosity:
   The school system often rewards children for knowing the “right” answers rather than encouraging them to ask deep questions. This breeds a culture of conformity and compliance. At home, we can reverse this by fostering curiosity. When our children ask questions, we can respond with enthusiasm rather than rushing to give them answers.
   Invite them to explore topics outside of the classroom, encouraging creativity and critical thinking. Asking questions like, “What do you think about that?” or “How would you solve this?” helps develop their ability to think for themselves and resist the urge to conform to pre-packaged knowledge.

2. Validating Emotions:
   One of the most harmful aspects of supremacy culture is the invalidation of emotions, especially those considered “negative,” such as frustration, sadness, or anger. These emotions are often suppressed in school environments to maintain control and order. At home, we can allow space for these emotions to be fully expressed and validated.
   Instead of dismissing a child’s frustration over a difficult assignment or social conflict, we can ask, “What’s coming up for you right now?” or “It’s okay to feel frustrated—let’s talk about what’s happening.” By doing this, we show our children that their emotions are valid and that working through them is part of the learning process.

3. Dismantling Conformity:
   Supremacy culture thrives on conformity—whether it’s conforming to a classroom’s rigid behavioral expectations or striving to meet external standards of success. Encouraging individuality and embracing differences at home is key to dismantling these pressures.
   When we validate our children’s unique ways of thinking, behaving, or even dressing, we give them permission to be themselves. This lays the groundwork for them to resist the pressure to conform in environments that prioritize sameness over individuality.

Family Daily Practice: Responsibility Before Fun

In our home, we have a system that helps us navigate our neurodiverse lives. When the kids arrive home from school, they see a board that says "Responsibility before Fun." These are tasks they must complete before they can carry on with whatever they desire to do. The beauty of this system is that these responsibilities are static—they don’t change unless we have a family community meeting where everyone agrees to a change.

This practice has been a lifesaver in our neurodiverse household. I have ADHD, two of my children are AuDHD, and one is ADHD. It’s a neurodiverse party over here! This system gives us all structure and routine while respecting our individual needs. Once they take care of their responsibilities, they are free to enjoy the rest of their evening—much like the adult world, where we take care of what we must before relaxing.

We also don’t do homework in our home. Homework is a violation of personal time and boundaries, and I believe that school, as a 7.5-hour commitment, already takes up enough of my children’s day. By setting this boundary, we teach them the importance of honoring their own time and well-being, just as we do for ourselves. Homework creates unnecessary work for children and teachers alike—releasing this construct could be an example of how our liberation is bound up in each other through the hierarchies we navigate.

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Healing Focus: Unpacking Our Own Educational Experiences

As parents, caregivers, and educators it’s important to recognize that many of us carry our own experiences of control, perfectionism, and conformity from our time in the educational system. Before we can fully counteract these influences for our children, we must reflect on how our personal experiences shape our parenting.

Ask yourself:

• How was my worth tied to my performance in school?

• What messages did I internalize about success, failure, or authority?

• How did school teach me to fear conflict or avoid stepping out of line?

By unpacking these experiences, we can start to heal the patterns of control and perfectionism that may show up in our parenting. This reflection helps us build a more conscious approach to education and child-rearing, where we create space for curiosity, emotion, and individuality—both for our children and ourselves.

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Pillars Dismantled: Perfectionism, Power Hoarding, Fear of Conflict

By creating an environment that values curiosity, emotional validation, and individuality, we actively dismantle several key pillars of supremacy culture:

• Perfectionism: Supremacy culture teaches children that success is about being perfect and performing well. By encouraging curiosity and validating mistakes as part of the learning process, we dismantle this unrealistic expectation and help our children embrace growth over perfection.

• Power Hoarding: By fostering open dialogue and offering children autonomy in their learning and social experiences, we challenge the idea that authority must always remain in the hands of adults. We model shared power and respect for children’s voices.

• Fear of Conflict: Instead of teaching children to avoid conflict, we can help them navigate it by modeling emotional regulation and offering tools for healthy communication. We show them that conflict can lead to deeper understanding, growth, and stronger relationships.

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Supporting Children in Navigating Supremacy Culture in Schools

We can’t fully shield our children from the influence of supremacy culture in schools, but we can offer them the tools and support they need to resist its effects. Both parents/caregivers and educators have a role in dismantling these systems and fostering environments where children can thrive.

For Parents and Caregivers:

1. Foster Critical Thinking
   Encourage your child to question what they learn in school. Let them know it’s okay to ask, “Why?” or to explore different perspectives. Teaching children to think critically empowers them to make informed decisions rather than simply accepting what they’re told. Help them see that learning is about curiosity and growth, not just compliance.

2. Create Emotional Safety at Home
   After a long day of conforming to rules and expectations, children need a safe space to decompress. Make home a place where they can express their emotions freely without fear of judgment or punishment. This emotional safety allows them to process their day and to feel more grounded in their authenticity. Remind them that home is where they can be their true selves, without needing to perform or conform.

3. Advocate for Your Child’s Autonomy
   Partner with teachers and educators to ensure that your child’s autonomy and emotional well-being are respected in the classroom. Speak up about discipline practices that might diminish your child’s voice or request alternative learning approaches that honor their individual needs. By advocating for your child, you help dismantle power hoarding in education and create room for your child to have a voice in their own learning journey.

4. Model Curiosity and Openness
   Children learn by watching us. When we model curiosity and emotional openness—whether it’s questioning something we read, being transparent about our emotions, or working through a tough situation—we give our children permission to do the same. Modeling this behavior shows them that it’s okay to question authority, express vulnerability, and approach life with an open mind.

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For Educators:

1. Encourage Critical Thinking in the Classroom
   Rather than simply asking students to memorize information or accept the curriculum at face value, foster a culture of inquiry. Invite students to question, explore, and engage with ideas from multiple perspectives. By encouraging critical thinking, you empower students to challenge the status quo and develop a deeper understanding of the world around them.

2. Create Emotionally Safe Learning Environments
   Recognize that students bring emotional experiences into the classroom, and these emotions can impact their learning. Make space for students to express themselves openly, without fear of judgment or punishment. Encouraging emotional expression fosters a learning environment where students feel seen and supported, which in turn enhances their ability to engage with the material.

3. Respect Student Autonomy
   Whenever possible, provide opportunities for students to make choices about their learning. Whether it’s letting them choose how to approach a project or allowing for flexible seating and movement, honoring student autonomy shows them that their voices matter. This dismantles the traditional power dynamics in classrooms that rely on compliance and control.

4. Practice Culturally Responsive Teaching
   Integrate diverse perspectives and voices into your curriculum. Ensure that students see themselves reflected in the materials they study and that they are exposed to a wide range of ideas and experiences. Culturally responsive teaching helps counteract the erasure and bias often present in standardized curricula and allows students from marginalized communities to feel represented and respected.

5. Address Power Dynamics Openly
   Be transparent about the power dynamics that exist within the classroom and invite students to have a voice in shaping their learning experience. By acknowledging the traditional hierarchy of teacher-student relationships and working to create a more collaborative environment, you help dismantle the supremacy culture that thrives on power hoarding.

Real-Life Example of Working with Educators

I absolutely love my children’s school, and while we’ve had some back-and-forth when it comes to meeting the needs of one of my children, they have always been willing to be curious, listen to me, and most importantly, listen to my child. Together, we’ve found solutions that work.

While they are still under the constraints of colonial rule—bound by government regulations—they are doing their very best to build connection and parallel systems within those structures. Having your school as a collaborator, not just an authority, makes all the difference. It’s a public charter school, and the level of partnership we’ve developed reminds me that maybe we should consider more educational models like this—where curiosity, flexibility, and partnership with families take precedence.

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By taking these steps, both parents/caregivers and educators can create environments that foster curiosity, autonomy, and emotional well-being, while actively dismantling the systems of control embedded in our schools. Together, we can provide children with the tools to navigate and resist the pressures of conformity, perfectionism, and authority, ensuring that they grow into empowered and self-aware individuals.

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Conclusion: Creating Space for Curiosity and Authenticity

The school years are foundational to a child’s sense of self, and the way they navigate the world of socialization, education, and identity is deeply influenced by the systems they encounter. Supremacy culture teaches them to conform, perform, and avoid conflict, but we can offer them a different path—one that values their curiosity, emotions, and individuality.

By creating space for our children to be their full selves, we are actively dismantling the systems of control, perfectionism, and fear that threaten to diminish their unique identities. And in doing so, we create a future where our children can thrive not as perfect performers, but as liberated, authentic beings.

In solidarity and liberation,

Desireé B Stephens

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