The Shadow of Perfectionism: Why Growth Feels So Hard
How supremacy culture keeps us stuck in cycles of self-doubt—and how we break free.
As you read this, I invite you to pause for a moment. Grab a warm beverage—tea, coffee, or even just a glass of water. Take a deep breath. Let your shoulders drop. Let yourself settle.
You are allowed to take up space, even in stillness.
Now let’s begin.
Perfectionism is one of supremacy culture’s most insidious traps. It disguises itself as a virtue—convincing us that if we just work harder, plan better, and control every detail, we will finally be safe, worthy, and whole. But perfectionism is not about excellence. It is not about care. It is about control.
It is a lie designed to keep us stuck.
And I want to share a story on just how insidious this is.
On Day 45 of 100 Days of Community, my kids’ school kept calling. I already knew something was going on with my son. When I finally jumped off my live and answered, sure enough, it was about him. I could hear him in the background, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed.
I didn’t meet his energy with my own frustration. I got curious.
Instead of reacting, I invited him into curiosity too. I asked him to reach inward, to name what was really causing this reaction—especially with the very people who work every day to navigate and accommodate his needs as a child with AUDHD.
And he told me.
He wasn’t feeling confident about the lesson. He knew he was going to fail. He didn’t think he would get it right.
So instead of risking vulnerability, asking for help, or admitting that he wasn’t sure how to do something, he lashed out first. The grip of perfectionism had him showing his entire ass because it was easier to be a problem than to admit he was struggling.
And how many of us, if we are honest, have done the same?
Maybe not in the same way, but how often have we:
Avoided trying something new because we weren’t immediately good at it?
Deflected accountability because it was easier to be defensive than to admit we were wrong?
Procrastinated on something meaningful because the thought of “not getting it right” felt unbearable?
My son, at his young age, was already feeling the weight of something I have spent years unlearning. The belief that if you can’t do it perfectly, don’t do it at all.
That belief is not innate. It is taught. It is reinforced. It is deeply embedded in a culture that tells us our worth is conditional.
As we move deeper into the Season of Renewal, we are called to confront the ways in which perfectionism stifles our growth. It keeps us in cycles of hesitation and self-doubt, making us believe we have to be fully ready before we begin. But real growth—the kind that transforms us—requires imperfection. It requires trying and failing, experimenting and adjusting, moving even when we do not have every answer.
It requires releasing the belief that we must earn the right to take up space.
Perfectionism is heavy. It convinces us that if we are not perfect, we are failing. That if we don’t get it right the first time, we shouldn’t try at all. That the only way to be worthy is to be exceptional, to never make mistakes, to never be in progress.
And even when we know, intellectually, that perfection is an illusion, it still lives in our bodies.
If this reflection resonated with you, imagine what happens when we go deeper. For my paid subscribers, I offer exclusive deep dives that take these conversations beyond awareness and into action—guided practices, real-world applications, and tools for integrating this work into daily life.
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