Children Are People Too

Honoring the Emotional Depth of Our Youngest Healers

As I was laying in bed trying to take a nap with the littles I laid next to them and had some thoughts that I wanted to share.

Too often, society assumes that children don’t understand absence, loss, or grief. We dismiss their emotional experiences as "too young to understand." But what exactly don’t they understand? As a mother who has witnessed my own child, Morrigan, and her cousin navigate the separation from a parent, I’m constantly reminded of just how intuitive, aware, and emotionally rich children truly are.

We tend to simplify children’s emotions under the guise that they "don’t understand." But understand what? Absence? Loss? Grief? Longing? Children may not grasp the intricacies of divorce, incarceration, death, or abandonment—but they absolutely feel the sting of separation. Ignoring or dismissing their experiences creates a dissonance that leaves them emotionally unsupported.

My daughter, Morrigan, is only 5, but her ability to hold space for her cousin, who is just 2.5, shows the power of peer healing. Although the separations they’ve experienced are for different reasons, the feelings of loss and absence connect them deeply. When I listen to Morrigan help her cousin navigate this shared experience, I can’t help but wonder how much it aids her own healing journey. Despite the pain of separation, there is also shared joy—more time together, a relationship growing in ways it wouldn’t have otherwise. This shows how multiple truths and sometimes conflicting emotions, like grief and joy, can coexist.

Their connection serves as a reminder that autonomy isn’t just about independence; it’s about allowing them the full breadth of their experience and recognizing their capacity to support each other in ways adults often overlook. This challenges the “either or pillar” in supremacy culture that supports the binary thinking—right or wrong, happy or sad—that is so deeply embedded in supremacy culture. It also releases the “I’m the only one” pillar, tied to the idea of ownership, where we assume children would only feel sorrow in the absence of a significant person in their lives. That belief denies them the richness of experiencing joy, growth, and love even in difficult circumstances. Honoring the full landscape of their emotions allows us to see that they are capable of much more than we often give them credit for.

My husband and I have been separated for almost two years, and I still mourn. I still hold conflicting emotions—love, disgust, confusion, and growth. As an adult, I have the tools, community, language, and resources to process this. Yet we expect children, with their still-developing brains, to navigate the same emotions without the same support? It's absurd. Children deserve space to feel and process, to be honored as humans navigating some of the hardest emotions life throws at us.

It’s wild that an entire group of people who think children "don’t understand" are okay with leaving them to navigate these intense emotions alone. We need to rethink how we view kids, not as lesser beings but as whole humans with complex inner lives, capable of understanding more than we give them credit for. Let’s start seeing them for who they are, providing them with the emotional support, community, and autonomy they need to heal and grow.

The journey to honoring children as whole people begins with acknowledging that they *do* understand. They understand the feelings that accompany absence, loss, and change, even if they can’t yet name them. They deserve to be seen and witnessed by peers and adults alike as they navigate their emotional worlds. Children, like all of us, need their very own communities to heal in, to be respected as they move through life’s challenges with strength and grace.

Tips for Giving Children Space to Build Their Own Community:

1. Create Opportunities for Peer Support:

   Encourage children to spend time with peers who share similar experiences. Whether it's through playdates, group activities, or support groups for children dealing with loss or separation, peer connection allows them to process emotions together, feeling seen and heard in ways only another child may fully understand.

2. Foster Emotional Expression:

   Give children permission to feel and express the full range of their emotions. This means validating their experiences without dismissing or minimizing their feelings. Acknowledge their sadness, confusion, or anger and let them know that those emotions are normal and necessary.

3. Encourage Autonomy in Healing:

   Allow children to navigate their feelings on their terms, without adult-imposed expectations or timelines. Ask them what they need, rather than assuming what will make them feel better. It could be as simple as giving them space to talk with a trusted friend or providing creative outlets like art or writing to help them express themselves.

4. Model Vulnerability and Healing:

   Children learn from watching the adults in their lives. As we face our own struggles, it’s essential to model vulnerability and healthy emotional processing. Share age-appropriate stories of your own challenges and how you’re navigating them. Show them that healing is a process and that it’s okay to have multiple, conflicting emotions.

5. Build a Supportive Environment:

   Cultivate a space where children feel safe to express their emotions without judgment. Whether it's at home, in school, or with extended family, having consistent adults and peers who understand and support their emotional needs is key to fostering a sense of community.

6. Respect Their Boundaries:

   Just as adults have boundaries around what we share and how we heal, children should have the same autonomy. Give them the freedom to express or withhold certain feelings based on their comfort level. This will help them trust their own emotional boundaries and foster self-awareness.

7. Provide Resources for Coping and Connection:

   Whether it's children’s books that discuss emotions, kid-friendly therapy options, or community groups, equip children with resources that resonate with their experiences. Giving them access to tools that honor their emotional lives can empower them to take charge of their healing journey.

Facing Our Own Issues as Adults:

As adults, we can only guide children in healing if we’ve had addressed our own wounds. Our ability to hold space for their emotions depends on whether we’ve created space for our own. Healing requires time, resources, and community, and it’s crucial that we allow ourselves these things so we don’t project our unresolved issues onto our children. Here’s how we can do that:

Acknowledge Your Emotions:

• Just like children, adults need permission to feel the full scope of their emotions. Name your emotions, understand where they come from, and give yourself the grace to sit with them.

  

Seek Community:

• Healing is rarely done in isolation. Find your own peer community—whether it's therapy groups, friends, or spaces where you can be vulnerable and supported.

  

Model Emotional Intelligence:

• When you navigate your emotions healthily, you teach children that it’s okay to feel deeply and that there are productive ways to handle those feelings.

Break the Cycle:

• Many of us weren’t taught how to express or process emotions as children. By doing this work ourselves, we’re breaking generational patterns, ensuring that we don’t perpetuate emotional repression with the next generation.

By giving children space to have their own communities for healing, we not only honor their experiences but also create a blueprint for future generations to live emotionally free, whole, and liberated lives.

In solidarity and liberation,

Desireé B Stephens

If you are interested in navigating decolonizing your relation with children sign up for my Parenting for Liberation: Decolonizing Our Relationships with Children 6-week cohort