Children are our future!! This is a wonderful post and so needed. So many parents are trying to parent differently than their parents did, but how? Your guidance is generalizable to a number of situations, and yet, I think what is tricky for modern parents is how to direct and shape behavior while honoring the child, her feelings, etc. I think it is a disservice to children to raise them with no boundaries and no rules but as soon as rules are mentioned, many of us become authoriatarian and rigid. I'd love it if you could say more about this aspect of respecting children while helping them to become solid citizens
Thank you so much for your kind words and for bringing this up—it’s such an important point, especially for parents who are trying to break from the ways they were parented, while still providing the guidance that children need. Shifting from rigid, authoritarian parenting to a more collaborative approach can feel daunting because many of us weren’t given a model for what healthy boundaries with children look like.
You’re absolutely right that some parents swing from no boundaries to being overly rigid when rules come up. And it’s understandable—many of us learned that rules equate to control. But it doesn’t have to be that way. The key is to co-create boundaries with children that allow them to have autonomy while still receiving the guidance they need.
I can provide an examole and speak to that more and (shamless plud here) I will be covering these aspects of parenting in my Parenting for Liberation cohort....
Anywho, here are so examples and I am happy to provide more insight.
Allowing children to question the “why” behind a boundary or rule. This fosters critical thinking and emotional intelligence. For example, if you’re setting a boundary around bedtime, you might ask your child, “What does your body feel like right now? Do you feel tired, or like you need more rest?” It is not only ok, but necessary to check into your own body. "is bedtime neededfor MY sanity, for MY reset of the day and to have some alone time.
I am honest with my kids I explain that I do not enjoy active parenting from the moment I wake until th emoment I go to sleep and that "I need space" this empowers them to check in with their own bodies, feelings, needs etc. The most effective parenting style is embodied and modeled.
So for the bedtime example, youve had them check in with their own self and maybe they are like nope, I am not tired, I do not want to go to bed, I in turn will say "ok, thats is fine, you can stay up but I can not have pushback in the morning nor any issues in school" 'I also need you to hang out in here because this is my time and I need to be alone."
They usually agree, we are all getting what we desire and then the consequence of that is what it is. If they are tired in school adn had to "push through" I check in after school... "So how was your day?" "What was your body feeling like?' "was it difficult to concentrate?' etc etc These are natural consequences from staying up beyond your bodys need for rest and then we agree that sleeping earlier may be best.
Beautiful and so, so important. Thank you. I am certain your child will know love at a deep level because you honor her emotions so clearly.
I remember when I was young, my own parents (doing their best, as all parents do) telling me to "bite my tongue" when I was expressing very strong emotions, usually through crying. They didn't understand how to make space for my big emotions, so they did what had been modeled for them: they tried to shut me down.
When I became an adult we discussed this and they apologized. I have tried to break this pattern with my own children.
Feeling emotions is never the problem - teaching kids to stuff them down, instead of expressing them in appropriate ways, is what leads to major problems.
Thank you so much for sharing your story—your reflection speaks volumes about the generational patterns many of us are working to break. It’s such a powerful thing to recognize that your parents were doing their best with what they knew, but also to see the need for change when it comes to making space for emotions.
You're absolutely right—feeling emotions is never the problem. In fact, emotions are an essential part of being human, and when we teach children to suppress them, we disconnect them from their own emotional wisdom. What you’ve described—being told to "bite your tongue"—is something many of us experienced. It’s a reflection of the emotional repression that was passed down, often in the name of “discipline” or maintaining order, when really, it was about discomfort with vulnerability.
What you’re doing now with your own children is so transformative. By making space for big emotions and helping them find appropriate ways to express those feelings, you’re not only honoring their emotional experiences, but you’re also teaching them that their emotions matter. That is such a profound gift—one that creates deep emotional resilience and self-trust.
It’s true that emotional suppression can lead to so many problems later on—whether it’s through emotional shutdown, difficulty forming authentic relationships, or even physical manifestations of unprocessed trauma. When we allow children to fully express themselves, we’re giving them the tools to navigate their emotions in healthy, sustainable ways.
You’re breaking a powerful cycle, and it’s no small feat. By creating space for your children’s emotions, you’re building a foundation of emotional intelligence that will carry them through life in ways many of us didn’t have the opportunity to experience growing up.
Thank you for doing this important work—it’s both a gift to your children and a healing act for all of us working to raise the next generation with more space, more compassion, and more understanding.
I will share with you what I say in my home "All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not" giving them space to feel is so very important and we can still navigate not brining harm to another.
Thank you Desiree! So beautifully, intelligently, clearly and thoughtfully said. I seek out this information and I take it in like reps. Every repetition helps to integrate and remind me where I need to focus . It’s really grounding and joyful to be doing this work.
Thank you Grace so much for your kind words! I'm so glad the message resonates with you. It’s truly a journey, and every repetition, reflection, and bit of focus brings us closer to the grounded, joyful connections we’re building. I’m honored to be part of your journey, and I appreciate you engaging in this important work with such openness and intention. 💛
Children are our future!! This is a wonderful post and so needed. So many parents are trying to parent differently than their parents did, but how? Your guidance is generalizable to a number of situations, and yet, I think what is tricky for modern parents is how to direct and shape behavior while honoring the child, her feelings, etc. I think it is a disservice to children to raise them with no boundaries and no rules but as soon as rules are mentioned, many of us become authoriatarian and rigid. I'd love it if you could say more about this aspect of respecting children while helping them to become solid citizens
Thank you so much for your kind words and for bringing this up—it’s such an important point, especially for parents who are trying to break from the ways they were parented, while still providing the guidance that children need. Shifting from rigid, authoritarian parenting to a more collaborative approach can feel daunting because many of us weren’t given a model for what healthy boundaries with children look like.
You’re absolutely right that some parents swing from no boundaries to being overly rigid when rules come up. And it’s understandable—many of us learned that rules equate to control. But it doesn’t have to be that way. The key is to co-create boundaries with children that allow them to have autonomy while still receiving the guidance they need.
I can provide an examole and speak to that more and (shamless plud here) I will be covering these aspects of parenting in my Parenting for Liberation cohort....
Anywho, here are so examples and I am happy to provide more insight.
Allowing children to question the “why” behind a boundary or rule. This fosters critical thinking and emotional intelligence. For example, if you’re setting a boundary around bedtime, you might ask your child, “What does your body feel like right now? Do you feel tired, or like you need more rest?” It is not only ok, but necessary to check into your own body. "is bedtime neededfor MY sanity, for MY reset of the day and to have some alone time.
I am honest with my kids I explain that I do not enjoy active parenting from the moment I wake until th emoment I go to sleep and that "I need space" this empowers them to check in with their own bodies, feelings, needs etc. The most effective parenting style is embodied and modeled.
So for the bedtime example, youve had them check in with their own self and maybe they are like nope, I am not tired, I do not want to go to bed, I in turn will say "ok, thats is fine, you can stay up but I can not have pushback in the morning nor any issues in school" 'I also need you to hang out in here because this is my time and I need to be alone."
They usually agree, we are all getting what we desire and then the consequence of that is what it is. If they are tired in school adn had to "push through" I check in after school... "So how was your day?" "What was your body feeling like?' "was it difficult to concentrate?' etc etc These are natural consequences from staying up beyond your bodys need for rest and then we agree that sleeping earlier may be best.
This is just one example. I hope that helps.
Beautiful and so, so important. Thank you. I am certain your child will know love at a deep level because you honor her emotions so clearly.
I remember when I was young, my own parents (doing their best, as all parents do) telling me to "bite my tongue" when I was expressing very strong emotions, usually through crying. They didn't understand how to make space for my big emotions, so they did what had been modeled for them: they tried to shut me down.
When I became an adult we discussed this and they apologized. I have tried to break this pattern with my own children.
Feeling emotions is never the problem - teaching kids to stuff them down, instead of expressing them in appropriate ways, is what leads to major problems.
Thank you so much for sharing your story—your reflection speaks volumes about the generational patterns many of us are working to break. It’s such a powerful thing to recognize that your parents were doing their best with what they knew, but also to see the need for change when it comes to making space for emotions.
You're absolutely right—feeling emotions is never the problem. In fact, emotions are an essential part of being human, and when we teach children to suppress them, we disconnect them from their own emotional wisdom. What you’ve described—being told to "bite your tongue"—is something many of us experienced. It’s a reflection of the emotional repression that was passed down, often in the name of “discipline” or maintaining order, when really, it was about discomfort with vulnerability.
What you’re doing now with your own children is so transformative. By making space for big emotions and helping them find appropriate ways to express those feelings, you’re not only honoring their emotional experiences, but you’re also teaching them that their emotions matter. That is such a profound gift—one that creates deep emotional resilience and self-trust.
It’s true that emotional suppression can lead to so many problems later on—whether it’s through emotional shutdown, difficulty forming authentic relationships, or even physical manifestations of unprocessed trauma. When we allow children to fully express themselves, we’re giving them the tools to navigate their emotions in healthy, sustainable ways.
You’re breaking a powerful cycle, and it’s no small feat. By creating space for your children’s emotions, you’re building a foundation of emotional intelligence that will carry them through life in ways many of us didn’t have the opportunity to experience growing up.
Thank you for doing this important work—it’s both a gift to your children and a healing act for all of us working to raise the next generation with more space, more compassion, and more understanding.
I will share with you what I say in my home "All feelings are welcome, all behaviors are not" giving them space to feel is so very important and we can still navigate not brining harm to another.
Thank you Desiree! So beautifully, intelligently, clearly and thoughtfully said. I seek out this information and I take it in like reps. Every repetition helps to integrate and remind me where I need to focus . It’s really grounding and joyful to be doing this work.
Thank you Grace so much for your kind words! I'm so glad the message resonates with you. It’s truly a journey, and every repetition, reflection, and bit of focus brings us closer to the grounded, joyful connections we’re building. I’m honored to be part of your journey, and I appreciate you engaging in this important work with such openness and intention. 💛